the journey of a purple phoenix

Goodbye My Almost Lover

2008-07-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

I wish things were different. I wish I've never met him and fell for his charms 11 years ago. If I hadn't then I wouldn't be foolish as to feel so messed up inside my heart. But, maybe it was the only way that I could avoid the wrong guys that came my way. Yet, I should've known that this will all end in such a heartbreak.

Now that I have taken baby steps to moving on, I just hope that not looking back would be the right thing to do. I just hope that letting go won't leave me lost in the vast space of emptiness. I know I won't find someone else as quickly as my other friends who have moved on from their broken relationships. I was never the type who throws herself to the next guy who shows interest. I was never the type who insists herself on someone. I am not ashamed that I still believe in the old fashion sense of a magical romance. I just hope that this time around it would be something real and mutually sure.

My friends would always tell me to date someone else already. I was too stubbornly in love to take their advice to this 11 years of going around in circles with him. I would gladly take their advice now. Yet, I am also cautious about falling in love this time around. I am still hoping that someday I would see the day when a second chance at love is possible.

A Confusing Romance, Car Rides, and Two Bottles of Vodka

2008-05-31T07:31:00.000-07:00

Just a few months ago, I wished I had someone for a boyfriend and finally taking the courage to be in a relationship again. A few months later, a lot of things changed and once again, I have in my hand a reason for staying single. I'm torn in all sorts of emotions inside my chest that makes me wish that things were less complicated.

I ALMOST kissed my close guy friend, YET I find myself falling for another guy (who's also a friend), BUT I fooled around with a guy at a party. How complicated is that? The scenarios are too overwhelming to grasp. The latter hasn't sink in to me yet.

"I ALMOST kissed my close guy friend..." (Boy1)

We got into flirting again. It was always like that. I can't tell anymore if the feelings are real for both of us or I'm just fooling myself as always. It confuses me everytime he would come around and be all sweet but nothing. But his inconsistency with his presence has loosened my grasp to my faith in this 11 years of confusing romance.

"...YET I find myself falling for another guy (who's also a friend)..." (Boy2)

It almost seemed like we couldn't possibly end up being best buddies in a small organization wherein we're surrounded by people in different statures, get along, but still be conscious of heirarchy. It was like he was Prince Charming and I was Cinderella. He is connected by blood to some of the people in the high society pages. I maybe a distant relative of a senator but historically, our family was never an establishment in the who's who in the creme de la creme. So, technically, I'm just a modern-day Cinderella who hasn't filled a glass slipper.

I must admit, I was reluctant to approach him during the first year I got to know him. He seemed like this guy in our village who I used to have a big crush on when I was young. Mestizo, poker faced but handsome, dark-eyed, and aloof. But when I tried to approach him for help, he just quietly got up from his seat and carried some of my stuff like a quiet bear who didn't mind to use his strength to help a small nobody like me. That was the start of a new found friendship and a series of memorable car rides with him.

There were a lot of moments that he did some things that tugged some strings in my heart. They were moments that were cute and sweet at the same time. But, I was too deep in love with Boy1 to even feel something romantic towards him. And, besides, he had a girlfriend that time.

A lot of people have been telling me that we "look" good together. At the first year, it was something absurd to hear. He was more like a brother or a cousin. His deep voice and humor reminded me of my eldest cousin, Louie. The next year, I still couldn't fathom the idea. After some heart breaking confusions with the first guy and spending more crazy car rides and deep stares with him, I find myself thinking about him more than I should. And with more people getting suspicious of our friendship, I also find myself getting uncomfortable and awkward. Maybe I've learned from the couples I've known who got pressured by their peers to be together but ended up splitting because the foundation of their commitment wasn't really based on true romance. I wouldn't want that for us.

Funny how people could see something between us. They say we have some chemistry. But, chemistry is prevalent in all friendships. So, what's the difference? How I wish I could also see what they have seen. I can only feel what he has done to my heart.

I guess I was right about having some unfinished business when I went back to the company where we first met. One of them was discovering love again. I was really sad when I left the company again. The first thing that dreaded me when I was in the middle of deciding the big move was that I won't see him everyday anymore. But, I had to do what I had to do for my family. I was still denying what I felt. I just hated the fact that I'm gonna miss him a lot.

The only time I realized that I have really fallen was when he came to a party and we looked deep into each others' eyes like we always do whenever we talk. I also realized how much I missed how he looked at me like he can already see deep into me like he knew a secret about me.

"...BUT I fooled around with a guy at a party." (Boy3)

I've known this guy for some time already. Seen him around when we were growing up but only got acquainted when we were older because we would always bump into each other during events and media parties. Just lately, he would try and get his luck at asking me out. But, I would always gently turn him down.

I was at a party the other week and I couldn't wait to see Boy 2 again after a month of not seeing him because I moved on to another company. Boy 3 was also there to my surprise. I didn't know he was also invited to be in the party.

Since Boy 2 seem to be picking up some girl after the party (which broke my heart, thanks to the moron he came with), I didn't ask him anymore for a ride home. I was hoping that he would give me a ride home. I missed having car rides with him. Instead, I took Boy3's invitation to bring me home. We ended up having that drink which was turned down several times. Both of us got drunk. And got into a little fooling around. When he was making a move, the first thing that popped into my head as I was staring out the window overlooking the city lights was, "I wish I had gone home with Boy 2..." Which was what kept me from going all the way with Boy3. Nothing really serious happened which I am thankful for. When Boy3 and I were talking about what just came over us during that murky moment, he must've thought that it really hasn't sink in for I was still drunk. But, the truth is all I could think of was still "I wish I had gone home with Boy2."

He's Different From The Other Guys

2008-01-30T06:26:00.000-08:00

I've always been considered as "one of the boys". Mainly because I have a lot of guy friends. At work, I get along easier with the boys. I have as many close guy friends as I have close girl friends. I kinda learned a lot about them guys whenever I hang out with them. One thing I noticed about them is that they have grown too comfortable being guys when I'm with them. Things like burping loudly, checking out girls and saying what they think, and running to me for help with their dirty laundry. Dirty laundry meaning getting a girl pregnant, cheating on their girlfriends, getting out of a psychotic relationship, or simply doing something really stupid.

What is interesting about hanging out with guys is that you begin to learn about their behaviour towards women. And in return, I learn about what kind of guy should I be with or watching out for. Let's face it, we're not perfect. We're only human. We ALL make mistakes. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. Observing my guy friends, they do still have that sense of being a gentleman. Little things like, holding the door for you or complimenting you. Also, you begin to learn a sense of brotherhood with them. That's what everyone would call and unbelievingly think as the "platonic" friendship. No romantic feelings. Though physical attraction is a possibility, later on there are some qualities in the personalities that could clash which you will learn as you get to know the opposite sex better. Romance is something deeper and spiritual that it doesn't happen all the time.

The longer I get to know more about my guy friends, the more I learn to differentiate who are just being friends and who is acting a little bit different. Of all the guy friends that I've known, only one is different in his actions. Only one treats me differently. There's only one guy who I have friendship that is surrounded by a deeper mystery. It really confuses me so much because if we're just friends, why isn't he like my other guyfriends who treats me like I was one of their buddies? Why does he have a pet name for me? Why does his hand linger in mine or hug me like there's no tomorrow?

Cycle

2008-01-14T05:58:00.000-08:00

It has always been a cycle. Finding each other, getting together, exchanging sweet nothings, then we drift apart again. The next time this cycle happened, I was more prepared of what is to come later on. I try not to hold on too tight to the sweetest memories that it brings. I already know that it would not bring any promise in the end. The hugs and the holding of hands doesn't mean anything. We're just friends. It doesn't matter if we do some things that sweethearts do. It can never happen between us because I've been all alone in this feeling and I am fully awake from the dreamy walks upon the rose tinted window where I fell and died in my own illusions. If only he knew how many guys I've turned down. I tried being with another, opened myself up to liking other guys, but I only end up longing for only him.

If I was wrong about what my heart has been telling me a long time ago, why do I still feel like I belonged in his arms whenever he hugs me? Why do I feel like I'll be holding his hand forever till we grow old everytime he would reach out to take mine? Why do I still feel like I belong to him and only him?

The holidays are over. We're back to facing the outside world where we both don't co-exist. I'm slowly losing him again. It would take several months again before he looks for me again. Maybe even years. I really wouldn't know what it is he wants from me. If he doesn't feel the same way, why does he keep coming back doing the same things all over again and then leave me behind?

What I only know is that time will tell what our real destiny is.

I am finally moving on

2007-11-27T03:08:00.000-08:00

This Whatever
Purplephoenix

The lonely road to moving on
I learned a lot about me and love
In the ten years I gave to you
I am finally letting go, seriously

Know that I tried to hold on
Know that I have loved too much but myself
That's why I am doing this
It's about time I did

So, I'm saying goodbye
Coz I've exhausted the very last
Drop of my weary heart's blood
In leaving this whatever behind
In a good note but won't let it in again

What this "whatever" is
In reality is just a convenience for you
To find a space in between
A second choice, a back-burner, a mean-time companion
Closing my eyes and try to believe
That you really mean well

I have finally faced the truth
And it came like a hard slap
You'll never see me more than just a friend
Or did you even consider that when you
Complicated things with every sweet nothing?

Maybe...

2007-10-11T03:10:00.000-07:00

This is maybe the perfect song that would describe what I would like to say to him at this point in time of our so-called platonic(?) friendship. I do realize the fact that I might be somewhat a cause of this drift. My life is more complicated compared to his. I don't really expect him to carry this burden with me. All I want and need is his constant presence. Just him being there makes the whole world seem a better place.

I was never the girl who would ask for too much. I was never the type who would demand to be treated like a princess. Maybe it's because I wasn't treated well by all the guys I knew. Well, except for my father. But, I lost him when I was just about to be exposed to the meet-and-greet guys part of my life and dating. But, whenever I was with him, he gave so much and he treated me like a princess. He was the very first guy who ever treated me like a lady.

Now that we're both older, a lot of experiences have shaped us into what we are today. There are times when we drift apart and times when we're not on the same page in our lives. I maybe left behind on some things sometimes and he would be ahead and sometimes he would be the one who's left behind and I would be the one ahead.

Looking back to how he was the past couple of years, I missed how he would make me float whenever he would be peculiar and sweet. I just don't know what happened to him. Sometimes I want to open up what I am feeling right now but I know it will just make things more confusing between us. Maybe it's not the right time to say these things.

The last time we ever had a long chat was in Yahoo! Messenger at around 4am last Saturday. We made plans on going back-packing next year. Maybe then we could really catch up on things. There are a lot of things we never really talked about. I hope that this will be a time for us to start anew with our friendship. Platonic or romatic. All I want is to spend time with him.

MAYBE
Kelly Clarkson

I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
And I promise I'll try
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

One day
We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then

I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

I should know better than to touch the fire twice
But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might

Maybe, love maybe

Sober

2007-10-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

I had this strangest feeling that I would bump into him that night. I pushed the thought aside but I still opened my cellphone and there it was - our picture four months ago. I've saved it as a wallpaper despite the fact that I'm supposed to be doing my best at living my life in a different direction. The memories just wouldn't stop giving me flash backs in my head. I admit that deep down, I still miss him. I miss the old friend who used to frequently update on me. The old friend who used to look for me now and then even if it was twice or thrice a month. Now, I can only feel this void in my life where he used to be. The old friend who used to tell me how much he missed me while he gathers me in a tight hug. Even if he only sees me as a close friend, I can only content myself because what was important was his constant presence in my life.

I know that I may not be the one to make him happy. I always told myself that if letting him go is the only way that I could make him happy, I would sacrifice just to make that happen. If only he knows everything that's been going on within me. I have been yearning for his hugs. But I have to be brave and learn to be whole on my own.

I locked the keys on my cellphone and turned my attention to the traffic ahead. I tried to divert my thoughts to my work and my goal of losing weight. The goal of losing weight is to stealth myself from him. If I can't move to another country, then I would have to make myself unrecognizable.

We saw each other at the drop off near our village. I felt my knees go weak. A clear sign of what I still feel in my heart. I tried to compose myself. He caught me in a half hug. Something that made me a little sad. It was like it was also half-hearted. When he got my gym bag, it was something that was so natural between us. We walked together to the tricycle station but I still feel like he's so far away. We sat sardined in the cabby but it felt like he's not there. I wanted to ask him if there's anyone special in his life right now, but I was too much of a coward to go there. But the absence in his eyes, I can only tell that maybe...there is someone else in his mind. I never really knew what goes on his head. He's always capable of sending mixed signals that only leads me nowhere.

I can only hope that whatever's going on with him, that he wouldn't forget about our times together.

Ending A Mystery

2007-08-12T00:24:00.000-07:00

Life can be such a dark fairytale. How do you write an end to a unrequited love story? I've been trying to learn how to let go of a guy who I thought was THE ONE. Ten years have passed and he still crosses my mind like a ghost. Haunting me because of a love that is restless and lingering.

I still don't know what to think of his actions, both now and before. Sometimes he's warm when he's there. And there are times when we would drift apart because he becomes cold, I don't know why. I just decided that he's not really into me. Maybe he only thought of me as a friend who could also be his pseudo mean-time girl. Maybe that is why I am too careful when I'm with him. I pretend not to know that he's just using me as a past time girl.

I had secretly hoped that my aunt in Switzerland would ask for me to take care of her during her operation. It would be as good as a temporary escape until I disappear altogether in a world where he also existed. I want to forget about him so I could move on.

I used to believe in the romance of fate and destiny. The wonder of the unseen and extraordinary in relationships. How one knows that he/she is the one he/she will spend the rest of their lives with. During this sabbatical solitude I'm in, I learned that you can't get all the things you want in life. Some things are not meant to be and there's nothing you can do about it. That's just the way it is.

It's going to be a tough and long journey to recovery. I know it's going to be hard to erase all the special feelings I have for him. Avoiding him wouldn't be too hard. He just pops in and out when he feels like it - which makes that once in a blue moon.

Lately, I've been driving my life to a different direction. It would be as good as if I had disappeared from the world where we co-existed. I just hope I will be able to seriously and completely let go of these feelings I have for him.

Drift

2007-08-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

He hasn't been replying to my messages. I really don't know what's wrong. I keep looking back if I did something wrong that has offended him. I couldn't come up with anything. We haven't spoken nor seen each other for a month. Does this mean that he has fallen for someone else and that he doesn't want me lingering around in his life? I am tempted to ask him if he's mad at me about something. He used to return the smiles on-line eventhough he's at work. But now, he doesn't. If I ask him what's wrong, would he react? Would it bring out the obvious? Would it start an awkward moment? I don't know if I should let things be. Maybe he's really busy at work.

I don't know what to think anymore. It's really confusing that I wanna cry. It feels like we're drifting apart again. What am I to him? I thought we were close friends? Why is he avoiding me?

My Life: A Dark Fairy Tale

2007-07-24T19:28:00.000-07:00

In one of my testimonials on Friendster, one wrote, "I just hope you will know what you really want in your life..." I do ask myself that question all the time: Mabel, what do you really want in your life? But the only answer remains the same, and I know I cannot have him. And since that is the case, I don't know what I want anymore...

I am faced with another tough decision I have to make. One that involves opportunities, a lot challenges that I ran from, more sacrifices, and life lessons. I have decided to go back to C! Magazine and start where I left off. Some people in C! have been asking me if I'll go back and some have been encouraging me to come back. A lot of times, I said I have yet to take time off from the corporate world and venture into putting up a family business to have extra income for the house. During the break, I learned a lot of life lessons and realized some hard facts about living the hard life.

Sir Kevin told me a story about a guy he knew who committed suicide a couple of months ago. This guy (I forgot his name) is a "man's man". He would take care of his family and friends who are in need. When someone close to him got broke he'd go all the way as to take care of the whole family. If someone's in trouble, he'd be the one who would protect the friend or family. To the extent that he would take a bullet for the person he's protecting. The down side is that the way he was able to do those was that he had to make some relations with some bad people. He's like the Godfather of his own personal little mafia - himself. When his dark relations took into risky consequence that will affect the people he protected and helped, he took a gun, pointed the trigger to his chin, and shot himself.

It's pretty weird that I heard this story from him when I was just discussing about coming back to work. I could very well relate to this guy's psyche about making a choice between the people he cared about and himself. There was a point when I was desperate but still held my ground in making a living in a different way. But, deep inside, the warning is nagging, "It's gonna be you or your family." And, so, I made this decision to go back to C! My family is who I live for right now and possibly towards the end. No special someone. No one else.

So, like a princess who embraced the prince that is bestowed upon her through fixed marriage, she leaves behind the prince that she trully loved in order to save her family's life and throne. I never thought that my life could be such a dark fairytale. I'm not expecting anyone to understand this tough decision I made. One thing I have to learn is how to be tough and stand firmly on my decision.

Changing Paths

2007-07-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

I should let go. I do. I just have to gather up the strength to do it. Change my lifestyle...oh, wait, I have been doing that for years already. I think the problem is that I'm in the same country with him. Maybe I should really take moving to the US seriously this time. Get my VISA application moving. Seriously this time. Maybe I could Chef Pablo can refer me to work in the US if I take this culinary business seriously. Maybe if I change my address and be thousand of miles away from him, then I would be able to move on and forget about him. Maybe I'll find someone else greater than him. Who can really take me seriously and treat me the way I should be treated. Someone who would dare to get to know the real me and who is strong enough to love me for me.

This thing I have for him. I was alone. I was alone when I felt it. I was the only one who was in love and sure about it. But he never was. I was just one of the girls he wooed with his peculiar charms. Played around in the guise of peculiar friendships with girls. I thought I was the only one who was treated in a special way until I have met some girls who also knew him and some testimonials to attest that. I guess, I'm not the only girl he got confused with his sweet ways. I should have known better.

Well, now that I'm sure that there's nothing between us and my premonition of long ago is jinxed forever, I'm off to move on to another journey in my life. But, no matter where I go, I will still be the same person who's always in search for answers to so many lingering questions in my life.

He's Just Not That Into You

2007-06-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things about our friendship that is confusing. We're both confusing. I just don't know what it means when he holds my hand or hugs me or say something that is really sweet. I just don't know why after a moment with him, the day after seems so different. "He's just not that into you" I keep telling myself. I read it in a book with that same title on the wake up calls about guys who are not really interested but says the things we, women, want to hear which misleads us and makes us leaving in hope that they really do mean what they said.

If he really is interested, he would make time to call me or make time to spend as much time with me. Right? And nothing will stop him from being with me despite the baggages that I carry in my heart.

That's why everytime we see each other, I cherish every second. Yet, everytime we're together, I hold back a lot of what I really feel. Because I know what tomorrow will be like.

So, it's plain and simple. No follow through, then it's just friends. Nothing more.

26 :)

2007-06-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks, I have been dreading the arrival of my 26th birthday. A lot of personal reasons that I cannot even begin where to start. And, don't worry, I'm not going to enumerate them to bore you. I'll just tell about the light and happy events that happened before THE Day. ;)

Tuesday (Or was it Wednesday?)

I was talking to Isa a few nights ago about a possible hang out party with choir friends at BBQ Sentral in Aguirre, BF. Isa is good friends with DJ, one of the owners of Sentral that's why I asked for her valuable connections to get reservations if ever this would push through. I say, "If ever", because I was hoping to collect some commissions from my previous sales in C! Magazine. The reason I wanted to celebrate with choir friends is because I wanted to celebrate my recovery from my ankle injury and it's also a "thank you" treat for them because they all had a part in taking care of me during my "saklay" days. I really prayed for this to push through.

Thursday

Ms. Mayette, my former boss, told me that the mix up with the commissions computation has been cleared and that I can come to the office to get it. YESSSS!!! I started to text my choir friends about the upcoming celebration. :)

Friday

As I was on my way out of my house, Mito texted me asking where I was. I tried to recall if we had any plans on going to Makati together but I couldn't remember ever talking to him for the past few days this week. I told him I'm on my way out of the house to go to Makati and asked him why. He told me to stay where I am. It turns out, he wanted to give me his gift before he leaves for a seminar at Fontana and because he'll be there for the week end so which means he won't be able to join us at Sentral. Aaaaawwww! :)
My morning wasn't really going as planned. I came to C! early but Mai, the accountant, was late. And when I got the check, I realized that I wasn't able to bring any ID so I could encash the money! I had to take the first taxi out of the building and went back home.
As I got back to Makati, I went straight to Union Bank. The peak of my stressful day was just beginning. I had to wait for an HOUR in line! I observed the tellers and the people approaching them. They had a number system and I was their 10th customer. But I noticed that they were letting some people get ahead of some people in line. I tried my best to gather up as much patience as I could. I looked at the clock on my cellphone. It was almost 1pm and Ms. Mayette and Nana has been calling and texting me asking where I was. They were waiting for me at UCC Cafe for lunch. When my number was up, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then shortly after, the guy behind the counter told me that I have to wait because he ran out of cash n his drawer and that we had to wait for the cashier to finish with her client. Despite my growing irritation and desire to let out a scream, I walked slowly back to my seat with a growl sounding in my chest. I was tired, sleepy, and FREAKING HUNGRY I could make out kinds of food on people's faces. That slow guy behind the counter was beginning to look like lechon. Several numbers has called and I was still in my seat - waiting for kingdom come. I couldn't take it anymore! I stood up and walked over to the counter to the lechon-looking beast behind the counter. I started to become really sarcastic when I told him that I noticed that they have been giving priority to some people, who also seem to be their personal aquaintances, instead of sticking to their bank policy of "first come first served". I asked him who the cashier is. He pointed to the lady talking to an American and his mistress from the other side of the room discussing a lost account that was going on since the last hour. I asked him if there's anyone else authorized to assist him with his little dillema. He said that that lady's the only person authorized. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my irritation and growing hunger. I was being sarcastic again with my rants. A bank officer behind him heard the dillema and asked what lechon-face's problem is. "Ma'm, wala na po kasi akong cash sa drawer ko. Hinihintay ko po matapos siya (cashier lady)."
"So, how long will that take this time? Another century?" I snapped.
The bank officer took a look at the check I gave them. It turned out that lechon-face wasn't able to check with the other branch for clearance. "Robert! Why didn't you check this earlier? Bakit hindi mo sakin sinabi? Hindi problema ang cash. I can get that for you. Pinahintay mo tuloy ng matagal yung cliente! Mag apologize ka. (Which lechon-face didn't do)" And, I can hear her saying inside her head, "Duh! Officer ako dito noh!"
Anyway, after that, I ran to UCC Cafe to meet with Ms. Mayette and Nana for lunch. They could tell by my pale frowning face that my BP must be at its peak. They let me finish ranting about my Union Bank experience and quickly signaled the waitress to hand me a menu quick. Ms. Mayette moved her arms and pretended to fan the fumes coming out of my nose and ears and said "Breathe, Mabel! Breathe!" like it was some kind of mantra.
When I got my Salmon and Spinach pasta, I let them do all the talking. I just nodded over my food to everything they were saying. I was soooo hungry! I didn't even notice them ask me a question. It was something about my love life. HA! Love life! Can't seem to find any luck on that!
When I was appeased with my hunger, I calmed down and began to join in with the conversation. There were a lot of things that we had to catch up on. Then all of a sudden, my plate was replaced with another plate with a small cake on it. Ms, Mayette and Nana had wide smiles on their faces as they greeted me 'Happy Birthday!" I feel like some tears are threatening to expose me. I was surprised for the second time today and already I feel overwhelmed.

Saturday

I skipped Chinese day at Chef Logro's workshop because I had the later part of my day full. Bettina and I practiced early at the church for my responsorial psalm for the following day. "He" happened to ask me about my plans for Saturday night because he wanted to hang out. Probably to catch up on things because we haven't seen each other for a long time. As much as I would like to spend time with him (despite the fact that I was secretly hurt that he wasn't able to visit me when I was stuck home when I got injured and sad that I know that he probably has no idea that it happens to be my birthday tomorrow), I was torn because I already had plans for the whole night. He never mentioned anything or hinted anything that concerns my birthday. I asked him if it's ok if we go out the next day but the thing is, I have a family dinner too. He was gracious enough to agree to go out after that even if we have to catch the last full show. Probably because he didn't have to worry the next day because it was a holiday. I didn't mention anything about my birthday. I wasn't the type of person who would remind people about it. And I haven't been feeling that special to him for a long time.
The night at BBQ Sentral was great. Eventhough everyone didn't make it, I was still happy that everyone had a good time. :) Moby, Val, Isa, Ranier, Inggie, Jeff, and Nikki made it to the little get together. We made new friends that night too. A common friend of Ranier's and Nikki's, Jenny and Noel happen to be there too and we let them squeeze in with us at the table. Reservation at BBQ Sentral is really tough so we let them join us. Thanks to Isa, we were able to get in soon enough when we got to the place. ;)

Sunday

I hitched an early ride home with Ranier and left the others back in Sentral because I had to get enough sleep to prep up for tomorrow's mass. I tried to get some sleep but I couldn't. Damn! I was able to doze off a little around 5am. But had to drag myself out of the comforts of my bed around 6am because I had to meet up with Bettina around 7am to warm up before the mass.
When I came home after brunch, I attempted to get myself some sleep. I still couldn't doze off. I got up and took a bath. It might do the trick. True enough, I was able to sleep a little around 3pm and woke up with a start at 6pm. My Mom knocked on the door and told me that maybe we should just have food delivered at home since the car wasn't working properly. I just grunted as my sign of agreement. I checked my cellphone and there were several more messages of greetings and well wishes from friends and an uncle. I texted them back to thank them and suddenly remembered 'him'. I sent him a message to just text me if we're pushing through tonight. Still, I didn't tell him it was my birthday. I already pictured how the night will go. Same ol' movie and coffee hang out and catching up with no special greetings. He'll probably just find out later by himself like he always do which I had always expected. It's rare that he would remember on the exact day like it was not often that we see each other these days.

He said that we're still pushing through tonight. He had planned on watching at least the last full show and grab a coffee later. I was thinking maybe I can treat him for the coffee and still get away with not telling him it was my birthday.
He arrived at exactly 9pm. I wasn't ready yet and I was more of expecting he'd text me before he came over! When I came out of the room, I found him looking at our family pictures at the dining room. Waaaah! He probably saw my baby picture with my older brother! I had an ugly hair that time! I quickly motioned towards the door so he would follow me and not look long enough at the other pictures to notice anything funny. He quickly said goodbye to my younger brother who was just about to set up the fan for him.
By the time we got in his car, he said, "Happy Birthday!" I looked at him in shock. The first word that came out of my mouth was, "Ay!" like I was caught in a trap. I felt the tears threatening me once again at that moment and I tried my best to smile through it so he wouldn't notice. HE REMEMBERED! He knew all along that my birthday was coming up and he had been thinking of what to do with me on my special day. All these times, I was sad that I had already expected that he would never give any highlight about my birthday in his life. He treated me out that night and I never felt so good in a long time. Later that night, as we were on our way back to BF, I was still in wonder how he remembered on time. And he just said, "Bakit, you were planning not to tell me?" Hello! What did he want me to do? Tell him, Hey, it's my birthday. So, you should treat me out? I wasn't expecting he would take me out for my birthday. :p But it was definitely a sweet surprise. :) I am happy that he was the last person I spent it with him. :)

I'd say, I've never had a memorable birthday in a very long time. :)

Finding My Way Out of the Dark Corner

2007-05-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago, I was asked a question by our high school guidance councilor: Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I thought I knew the answer. I was sure of it. But, now, I don't know anymore. Where I am now, I quit my glamorous job in search of my lost soul and trying to recover from my injured foot and broken heart. At an early age, I had these ideals and my intuition running through my veins. As I got older, I never thought that my ideals would be ripped apart and the future I was looking forward to would be thwarted. It's like I'm in this TV series that keeps making twists in ideal set-ups making the story keep changing its course in the character's life. I got tired in believing anything good that comes my way and I have lost my hope in ever finding true love.

I know my story isn't over yet. That is why I'm trying to change my story so I could believe in something again and find my way back into believing that there is someone out there for me to love. Who deserves my love.

Learning How To Walk Again

2007-05-25T23:41:00.001-07:00

I haven't written down anything here for quite a while now. I have been in crutches for the most part of May. I tripped over a wire and twisted my left foot leaving me with torn tendons. Two days later, I had a cast on my foot because the doctor said my torn tendons would heal properly that way. I was advised to take a rest for two to three weeks. My problem was I only have two weeks left in C! Magazine before I officially end my service to them. Plus, there were endorsements to finish. AND, the boredom was killing me because I was stuck in my room most of the time and I'm just getting used to moving around with crutches. I only rested for a few days and went back to work the Friday of that same week when I had my foot casted. The good thing was, my boss let me stay in-doors and do necessary administrative work and calls. The bad thing is I wasn't able to visit my clients for the last time.

I felt so helpless! I couldn't buy lunch downstairs from the office, I couldn't walk in through a door without bumping into door jams, walls, and my crutches, long tri-pod hops to the ladies' room / bath room, standing with one foot during mass while singing and listening to gospels, hopping up the stairs was harder, walking...or should I say tri-pod hopping with my friends while THEY walk, taking a bath would take me an hour and a half, and also trying to get something out of the refrigerator.

They say that when you're disabled or have some kind of illness, you feel weak and the more you think about it the more your body deteriorates and refuses to heal. I thought about the things I enjoyed doing. Playing tennis, walking ang jogging around the park, going out with friends, going to places near the village alone. Especially when the choir outing is coming up and my friends, JP and Carla, are in town for a visit. I thought of how I'm ever gonna go around jamming with old band mates and if I'm ever gonna be well in time for the outing. And then I started to panic. WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO MY SOCIAL LIFE???!!!!

They say that you get to know who your real friends are when you're in trouble and in need of a helping hand. It's weird for me because, I'm not used to being helpless and having my friends keep an eye on me everytime I risk myself in doing something stupid. I saw that in my friends when I decided to live my life like I wasn't injured. I went to my Mom and told her that I've decided to take off the cast on the second week. She tried to talk me out of it and to at least have it on till some part of the third week. I got myself into debating with some of my friends when I should remove my cast. I wanted to remove it on the second week because eventhough the doctor told me to keep it on for three weeks, it's OK to take it off on the second week. But since they want to be sure that I'll be able to make it to the outing, they talked me into sticking with the cast for another 3 awful agonizing days. And since I have a friend who's a physical therapist, I cannot argue any further.

When Ranier finally took off my cast, I thought everything would be back to normal. Take off the cast and walk like Jesus has raised someone from the dead. I didn't know that it would take a while before I could walk with my two feet. When he took off the cast, the swelling is still there and there was a pain at the side of my calf just above my ankle and I can't put pressure on my left foot because the muscles and the nerves have to adjust because I didn't use it for 3 weeks. Well, 2 weeks and 3 days. I panicked as Ranier checked my foot and was mumbling his medical language which was irritatingly foreign to me. I think I watched too much Grey's Anatomy because any small injury or symptom becomes a big surgical death sentence. I felt nauseus and laid back on the sofa as I gulped down a glass of cold Sprite. Ranier told me that I'm being silly because my injury is far from my heart. I was advised to still walk in crutches until my left leg could adjust to weight bearing. I was depressed for a while, but I did some mental motivation to learn how to walk with both feet again. One week later, I have let go of both crutches and I am now walking with a cane. I'm getting there. :)

I learned that during desperate times, even the people that you don't like are also the ones who can prove you wrong about some things about them. No matter how much you dislike them, they do have some good in them. And I realized that, I'm still guarded by my pain and wouldn't cut some slack to those people. I am recognizing that now. The only thing that is compromising between negative and positive reaction is my being a "softie" as my friend, Apple, would put it. If I was too cold hearted, I wouldn't even acknowledge that little fact about myself. I would be in denial if I were too bitter.

So, now I'm currently a bum. Again. I've been doing some soul searching and I'm learning how to walk again. I meant that both literally and figuratively. There are so many things that I've been thinking about my life now and where I'll go from here. I just hope I'm walking on the right path.

Bowing Out of the Glamorous Life

2007-04-13T04:10:00.000-07:00

I've done a lot of thinking over the past Holy Week. I've been thinking about this decision for a long time. I think it's about time I took this step to moving on.

A few days ago, the first day of work after the long vacation, I had coffee with my boss and told her that I'm resigning from C! Magazine. It was a hard decision and a critical time to do such a move in my life. I loved the people I've worked with for 2 years and 9 months and the clients that have been close to my heart. I had fun with all the events that I've attended and dazzled by the society people. But there comes a point wherein I wanted to do something different in my life other than doing sales. I also learned a lot from the people I've come across. I learned a lot about life in so many ways through the stories of these people who walk in their own paths. These stories has given me a different view about some things in life. It's funny how time seem to have moved fast forward but whenever I look back to the the early days of my stay, it feels like I've been in the company for more than 3 years.

I'll miss a lot of people in C! Magazine. More of the people I've been with since the day I started working in the company. I'll miss my bosses, Kevin, Carl, Sir Tito, and most of all, Ms. Mayette. I'll miss Anna's little surprises in her funny remarks, Jocas with his bullying, Chris of his depthless tummy, child-like charm, and, ok, his driving, Angelo with his humor and his school kid laugh, Sir Kookie with his driving tips and fatherly moments, I'll miss greeting Marie by the nickname, "Mothuurrrr!!!" and her sharing her son's adorable pictures, and I'll miss JAMES! (nuf said! hahaha!)

I'll also miss the clients who have been close to me. Sir Philip for being somewhat like a father-figure. He reminds me so much of my Papa. I'll miss hanging out with the people at PGA Cars, namely Kat, Martin, Roan, and Sir Amado, and I admit, I'll miss that terrifying feeling I get when I see Sir Spencer,hehe. I'll also miss Mr. Alan Unson of Prudential Guarantee. I'll also miss hanging out with Van and Ms. Esa at BPI Autoloans. I'll miss delivering magazines to BMW and the people in it (Ms.Frances, Sir Lito, Rachel, and Bernice). I'll also miss the warm and friendly people from CATS Motors (Mr. Felix Ang, Andros, Benjie, and Mr. Bobby Shaw). I'll surely miss Ms. Abu of Lufthansa. I'll also wouldn't forget the people I dealt with at Subaru (Sir Nicky, Sir Ariel, and Sherlyn). And also the people from Mitsubishi Motors who always appreciated my true talent - singing! (Sir Arlan and Sir Froi). And, of course, I wouldn't forget the Aftermarket MAFIA (Sir Sammy, Sir Arvin, Sir Bene, and Sir Atoy and his brother Ton). And how could I forget my friends in the ad agencies??? I'll miss the people in Maxus (Bernie, Pao, Migz, and Ms. Cris), Mindshare (Mikey the Boy Bangus, Carol, Gilda, Sir Paul, Sir Arnie, Sir Don, and Veron), Mccann (Pam, Ms. Lorie, Ms. Marsha, Ate Ivy, Sir Jam, Tammy, Jeff, Jem, and Jai), Maverick (Jasper, Ms. Lita, and Cielo), Starcom (Manong Guard! Jonna, Donna, Jaimie), Campaigns and Grey (Brian!), Mediawise (now pHd)(Ten, Ms. Ivy, and Sherwin), and Manprom people.

There are countless of memories in C! Magazine. There are a lot of which I will still look back 10 or 20 years from now. I have learned so much from Ms. Mayette and she will probably be the best boss I will ever have. I will miss the events that I went to and the magazine deliveries to Laguna. I will also miss the photoshoots and the test drives. I'll miss James' and Kevin's funny stories and also their insightful big brotherly advises. I'll miss bugging Chris and passing food to him when I couldn't finish my share. I'll miss singing for my clients (impromptu) during events. The Mitsubishi Christmas party back in '04 was the first time I sang to a big crowd. And I will never forget the natural high I felt being on-stage and sharing what I am passionate about.

This is a scary decision for me. I am in a point of my life wherein I still have to find myself. I have been living my life according to what is safe and what is convenient for other people. I lost myself when I was trying to be superwoman. At the end of the day, I'm just human like anyone else. Right now, I'm suffering from a lot of memory losses. I don't even wanna start on what can that mean. This is the result of all the stress in the office and at home. I'm just praying that I'll be able to fix myself during this sabbatical without taking any of the pills that were prescribed to me. I hate taking any medication that involves pills that are not the generic kind.

I'm starting to think of what to do during my rest period. Of course I'll be looking for work on the side. I was thinking of taking a culinary workshop and start a refresher course in driving. Or, I could also start singing again while I'm still waiting for results from job hunting. ;) I'm on a crossroad and I'm praying that God directs me to the right path.

Finding Another Spark of Love

2007-04-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find another spark in some else. The kind of spark I experienced when I met him. That was at the tender age of 15, but it was when everything about the future is uncertain yet the destiny has somehow pre-empted itself. Is it possible that that magical moment could happen twice with two different people? Very superstitious, I know. But, isn't fate a part of the theological sense of God's will?

I tried to cut him off my life once. Letting the communication gap grow so I will be left in peace. Not bothered by my own confusions by his peculiar gestures and false hopes. As we have grown older, I realized how much the complications grew with how I feel about our friendship/relationship, or whatever you define it. I tried to cut him off again, but it was harder to resist him with his out-of-the-blue text messages and calls. I think in fear that I won't be able to breathe if I don't hear from him again. But, as days gone by and I'm still on the same old page in 10 years, I realized that I'm denying my own sadness about this situation. I have been denying what I trully feel whenever the cold, lonely moments come. And I had let him get away with hurting me too many times.

Maybe it's time to put my foot down and not let myself be a meantime-girl. All I need is the strength to avoid him and let him know what I really feel.

Finding My Way Back Into Love...

2007-04-01T06:30:00.000-07:00

Way Back Into Love
*from the soundtrack of Music & Lyrics

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Colgate

2007-03-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

My cat died yesterday and I'm still crying about it. *Sigh* this is the second time I've cried this week. It's been years since I stopped having pets. They either died because of a sickness or escaped. I cried everytime that would happen. I stopped caring about the other ones that came after because I didn't want to get hurt. Then Colgate came along. Her color was snowy white that's why we gave her that name. She had a purple beaded collar around her neck when we found her lingering in our garage. At first, I didn't want anything to do with her. Then every night when I got home from work, she'd suddenly pop out and say, "Meoww..." like she wanted to make friends with me. It took awhile before she could snuggle up between my feet because I was distanciating myself. One morning, when I was in the kitchen, I found her curled up like a ball underneath a counter top table. Our maid has placed an old pillow where Colgate can sleep. My heart melted at the sight of this tiny creature. She woke up at my movement and quickly walked up to me and snuggled around my legs. I reached out and scratched her little head and that's when I started to love the little cat.

Every morning, I would let her in the kitchen and feed her. Sometimes, my younger brother would let her sleep in his room. Her favorite fish meal was "paksiw". Every night when I would arrive home, she'd be in my brother's room watching tv or play aournd the room. I would play with her and she would always cuddle up on my lap. I'm the only one she cuddles up with. I remember one Sunday afternoon when I let her stay in my room. I was about to sleep and she saw me lay down on the bed. She copied me and went up my bean bag and imitated me. But as she lay on her back, she still watched me. When I opened my eyes again, I found her at the foot of my bed curled up beside my leg and she was peacefully sleeping. I smiled and went back to sleep.

She's the first pet I really got involved in everything that has to do with taking care of her welfare. I did not only feed her but I also bathed her just like she was my own baby. I called her "my baby cat". I would sing to her when I let her stay in my room and whenever she's cranky when she's being bathed. I hugged her all the time. She was a very loveable cat.

It all ended yesterday. That morning, I gave her a bath and had her stay in my room. I was making a collar for her on my bed. She jumped up and was snooping around my things. I had to put her down a couple of times. But she kept jumping up. When she finally got the message that she's not supposed to snoop around, she lay on my blanket and watched me make the collar. I played with her for a while because she was fussing about the nylon strings. When she got tired, I went back to work. She just lay there and watched me. She laid her cute little head on my leg and rested her tiny paw on it. I looked at her and smiled at that simple gesture of love. She fell asleep after a while. By the time Mito had texted me that I went out with Mito and she got out of the house. I told our maid to put her back in the kitchen because I just gave her a bath. A few hours later, I received a message from my older brother saying that Colgate's dead. I quickly called up the house. Our maid was the one who answered the phone. I asked where Colgate was. She was lost for words how to tell me about the tragic accident that took place a few minutes after Mito and I left. Colgate was run over by a red car when she tried to cross the street from our garage. I cried while Mito and I were at a shoe store in Town Center. I tried hard to control my tears till I got home late that night. I haven't cried this hard about someone that was close to my heart for a long time. I still cry about her. I'm crying right now as I write about her.

Alzheimer's

2007-03-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

What if I had Alzheimer's disease?

Before and if these memory lapses lead to that. I would write down all the fond memories I have had with my friends and family and what my dreams are. I would leave off the bitter memories that should be forgotten but remind me of the ones that could protect me later. I would write it all down in my diary and leave an instruction to my mom or younger brother to bring me my diary books when I get lost in my illness. And, I would also have to write the letter to someone really special and pour out my heart about the 10 years of my silence.

I have been having a lot of memory lapses lately. It's more like I'm having little amnesias from time to time. I already consulted my godfather who's a doctor and referred my case to a neurologist. I'm taking medications now. But, of course, with the mess it caused, I don't know how long before I can get back my self confidence. It has affected my work and my personal relationships with people I deal with at work.

My Mom told me that the cause might be stress. She told me that I have been thinking too much about my problems at work and at home. Even when I am sick, I still work at home which causes my mind to be more stressed because I am not able to rest my whole self fully. My godfather has told me to take a leave and detach myself from work for a while. My problem is that I can't be taking a rest when the kind of my job that I have has high demands and I have to work to be able to feed my family. But, it has been a while since I've felt like leaving the job that I have right now. I really don't wanna do sales all my life. If only I have the freedom to do whatever I want in my life, I would only do one thing - sing.

Right now, I feel like I'm going to break down in this little cage I'm in. I've been trying to convince myself that I can still live like this and that I'm just being swayed by my emotions. But, I just can't take it anymore.

Dreaming of Becoming a DreamGirl

2007-03-07T01:35:00.000-08:00

At 25, life couldn't be more hard and complicated. I used to target this age as the time that I would marry. Little did I know that the future has destined me to be married to my responsibilities at home. Some people may think that I've got it easy and I'm living a good life. Glamorous job, lots of friends, talents, wit and humour, and a pretty face. But, behind these, I am still trying to find where to place myself in this world. I think I'm still trying to please everyone and I haven't found my own voice.

They say that you should do something daring or crazy sometimes. I've done my share of them. But there are still a lot of big things that I dream of doing but am too scared to take the leap. One is (silly but true) pursue my dream of singing as a profession or join a singing competition. I haven't shown my "full potential" as Simon Cowell would put it, because I haven't gone completely out of my shell when it comes to my talent. I'm in the comfort zone of my friends' appreciation. I am still not quite convinced that I am already great at singing. I dream of getting Randy Jackson to say "YOW!" when he hears me sing or Simon Cowell's "1 Million Percent" appreciation and Paula's inspiring words. Ok, maybe it will take me years before I get to compete in American Idol. I need to get myself an American citizenship before that happens. One of my new inspirations is Jennifer Hudson. She may not have won American Idol, but because she believed in her talent, she was able to land a role in Dream Girls. Her first movie and the reason she was able to win an Oscar. The recognition of her talent didn't limit itself to the American Idol competition. It has reached all over the world. I wish I can have that same moment...

Gist

2007-03-04T03:59:00.000-08:00

I haven't been writing here for a month now. To be honest, I haven't really found any inspiration to write about anything here lately. Everytime I would come to this site, I loose the momentum. I am lost for words to express what I am going through emotionally about the things that's affecting me. Just to give a gist of what happened to me the past month.

1. I FINALLY (!) got my Palm Treo 680 which I won at its launch last November. I think I'm already getting the hang of using it. It's a cool phone. :)
2. My Godmother came home for a visit and I spent two weeks with her at Mandarin Hotel. (Also one of the reasons why I haven't been going on line during week ends. I got hooked on the cable TV.)
3. I spent Valentine's Day not being bitter. So, I showered everyone at the office with Toblerones and I watched a movie with my officemate then treated my Mom to Starbucks instead of buying her flowers.
4. I started talking again with the Chinese guy who I used to date. No, I'm still not gonna date him again.
5. I'm starting to get memory gaps. How do I know? I thought I lost my watch at Mandarin Hotel only to find out two weeks later that it was in one of my shoe boxes and a lot of other incidences. I really need a sabbatical leave!
6. I've been pressuring myself to apply for a VISA. My Godmother told me that she will sponsor my trip. I really hope I won't have a hard time to process my VISA. Maybe that will be the perfect time to take a sabbatical leave.
7. ....sigh....maybe you can tell what number 7 is. I don't want to talk about it just yet. I'm not really sure anymore about what to say on this subject. I'll just let Joss Stone sing the blues for me...

Spoiled
Joss Stone

I kinda thought that I'd be better off by myself
I've never been so wrong before
You made it impossible for me to ever Love somebody else
And now I don't know what I left you for
See I thought that I could replace you
He can't love me the way you do
'Till now I never knew
Baby

[Chorus:]
I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled

I tried to tell myself that I'd be over you in a week or two
But baby that was 'bout a year ago
I've never seen the word love so personified as I do with you
And that is why I just can't let go, oh no

[Chorus]
Spoil me
And I would only be fooling myself if I tried to
Believe there's room for someone else in my heart
There ain't no way I'm getting over you
I don't know what I've been trying to prove
I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you

[Chorus]
I've been spoiled yeah yeah

Godmother

2007-01-29T05:01:00.000-08:00

One thing that I haven't mentioned in my childhood memoirs is my godmother. I used to spend week ends with her at her house when she used to live within the village. She would pick me up from nursery school near the park and she would cook me dinner when we got to her cottage-like home.

It was an arrangement that was made between her and my parents that I stay with her during week ends. She lived alone, left by a cheating husband who got someone else pregnant and took off with his mistress. I can still remember that morning when I woke up and got out of my room. I was about 4 or 5 years old. I saw my parents and my young godmother in a serious conversation over breakfast. They all looked at me startled. My godmother's eyes were glistening and red from crying but I didn't say anything because of fear to speak up. She used to smile everytime she would see me. But that morning, all she could do was reach her hand out to me and kissed my head. I was afraid that I might say something wrong.

And so I spent week ends with her to keep her company. I was her daughter for the week end. Due to her broken heart, she would bury herself with work even on week ends. She brought me to her office several times. She'd keep me busy with eating Flat Tops, Haw Flakes, or Nestle Crunch and a puzzle games.

I can't remember every single day I spent with her but I do remember that she would cook me crispy bacons or corned beef for breakfast, and also oatmeal if I wanted something sweet in the morning. I remember the scent of cologne she would sprinkle me with after taking a bath. It was Jean Nate. After that, we would watch late night tv and munch down a big bag of chips. Every Sunday, we would go to mass early in the morning and buy puto and kuchinta for my parents afterwards. She'd also spend time at our house on Sundays. Sometimes, we would take a walk around the park in the afternoon.

That was one big part of my childhood that I trully missed. Evertime my aunt would have e\her rare visits in the Philippines, I'd cry everytime the day would come that she'll be leaving again. I know that I won't be seeing her for a long time. The last visit she did was when my father was diagnosed for cancer. She took time to take care of him in the hospital before she left. It was a really stressful time for me because I know that things are really taking a different turn. My dad won't be able to bring her to the airport like before. That time I cried because she was leaving and because my dad won't be able to bring her to the airport like he used to.

In those shadowy years, I keep on wondering if she ever thought of me and how I must be doing with the sudden turn of events. For a time, I was hiding my jealousy of the other kids of her friends who get to be with her in the US. But after some time, I realized how lonely she must've felt living alone in L.A. I thought that I would've reached out my hospitality to my friends' children just the same because they are like the only family I could call on in the US.

After 10 years, she came home again and this time with my other aunts all over the world. I really took time to observe my aunts and get to know them more. I spent week ends at the hotel and shared the room with my godmother. My aunt smiled at me and said, "Mabel, you get to share the master's bedroom with me. It will be just like old times." I felt like I was 4 years old again and she just picked me up from nursery school on a Friday afternoon. When the day came that she'll fly back to the US, I had to control my tears from falling. This time, it was her who's gonna watch me walk out the door. It was a Monday and I had to go to work. Her flight was scheduled at 10pm that night and she'll be checking out in the afternoon. I hugged her tightly because I don't know when will be the next time I'll get to see her. Then she told me, "Don't cry on me now. I'll be back next year. Maybe we can go to the Boracay." I beamed and nodded silently. I can't let my tears get the best of me. "Let it out when you get to the taxi." was all I could tell myself to control my tears. I thought I made a really good show of bravery. My Godmother called me on my cellphone while I was in the taxi and just asked me if I know of any derm clinic. Our conversation sounded like she never left the country. After we ended our conversation, that's when the tears started to fall.

Broken Heartsongs

2007-01-09T05:55:00.000-08:00

Think. Think. Think...

As of the moment, I am thinking of something to write about. *Sigh* This is supposed to be my therapy for getting over a depressing heart ache. I've been burying myself with work to divert my thoughts from thinking about it. I keep on convincing myself that I will get over him eventhough how hard I fell for him.

On the way home, I was listening to different songs that tell what's in my heart these days. I am not really good at expressing my feelings vocally to someone. Most of the times, I would write it down on poems and songs. Well, I haven't written a song in a long time now. Sometimes I wish that I knew how to play John's accoustic guitar but unfortunately, I can only strum the strings blindly. For now, certain songs can speak for my heart's woes. That's why I have blog posts that are lyrics of a song.

Here are some lines from songs that speaks my heart out:

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart...the waking up is the hardest part...you roll out of bed and down on your knees...and for a moment you can hardly breathe..." Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer

"Where is your heart? Coz I don't really feel you...Where is your heart? What I really want is to believe you..." Where Is Your Heart by Kelly Clarkson

"Someday someone's gonna love me, the way I wanted you to need me... Someday, someone's gonna take your place" Someday by Nina

"Looking out on the rest of our lives, If we're gonna be together or apart.." The Only One For Me by Brian McKnight

and the one song that really hits the core of what my heart is saying is "Oo" by UpDharmaDown

"Di mo lang alam
Naiiisip kita
Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako
‘Di mo lang alam
Hanggang sa gabi inaasam makita kang muli
Nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang pahanon
At ngayon ako ay iyong iniwan
Luhaan, sugatan, ‘di mapakinabangan
Sana nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam
Sana’y nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Hindi mo lang alam
Kay tagal na panahon
Ako’y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon para sa’yo
Lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
‘Di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
Kung ako’y nagkasala patawad na sana
Puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal
‘Di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s’ya na lang
Sana’y ako naman
‘Di mo lang alam
Ika’y minamasdan
Sana’y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam
‘Di mo lang alam
Kahit tayo’y magkaibigan lang
Bumabalik ang lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Ako’y nandito lang
Hindi mo lang alam
Matalino ka naman
Kung ikaw at ako
Ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito
Ay dapat bang sumuko
Sana hindi ka lang pala aking nakilala
Kung alam ko lang ako’y masasaktan ng ganito
Sana’y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko
‘Di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s’ya na lang
Sana’y ako naman
‘Di mo lang alam
O, ika’y minamasdan
Sana iyo’y mamalayang di mo lang pala alam
Oooooooo
Malas mo
Ikaw ang natipuhan ko
Di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan

I know. I know. I've got it, I've got it bad. What I'm hoping for is to get over this someday. (Do you think I will?)

Memoirs of My Childhood

2007-01-04T04:04:00.000-08:00

Just another thought when I was hanging out with my balik-bayan friends... Spending time with childhood friends made me realize how much I missed the old days. Life used to be simple and fun. Of course, there are a lot of growing pains that went along with that, but if I were to count the times that were so memorable to me, there are more than the number of tears and wounds I got from playing "patintero" on the street. I can even remember most of the little details of what life was like back then.

When I was little, (wait, let me rephrase that...I haven't grown an inch since 6th grade...) When I was younger, I used to sneak out of the house during siesta time just to play doll or "10-20" (Chinese Garter) with Mara when they used to live in the street (Bogambilya) at the back of our house. If you're wondering why I'm so good at sneaking out, it's really simple. When I see my yaya's mouth foaming with her saliva, that's my que. (hehehehehe...)

We would play with Tina and Gina when they are at Lola Emma's house next door and climb her manggo tree while eating fruit loops or munching on Chikidees and Munchees. Trading different kinds of stationeries (stationaries???) to each other. I think I still have some of them in my memory box. I can still remember the floral scent of the paper. They don't sell those scented papers anymore. But, I remember seeing one in a small grocery store and caught the scent. It just brought me back to those days. Sometimes, I would be at LuAnne and Abbie's house down the street and have noon time sleep overs then play tea in the afternoon at their lawn or swim in their inflatable pool during the summer. There were trips to the park where we would run around at the playground. Then we would all go home when the sky turned orange.

I remember funny moments, and they still make me laugh until today. During one of those days that I used to go to Mara's house, someone made fun out of my dimples. Her older brothers' friends (including my older brother) would also come over to play. One of their friends, Aris, would always pick on me. I really don't know why. Mara and I were playing Pictionary at the living room when he suddenly came out of the boys' room and told me:

"Mabel!", he said.
"Ano? (What?)", I asked irritably. (Coz I know he's just gonna pick on me again...)
"Alam mo ba kung ano ang naalala ko kapag nakikita ko dimples mo? (Do you know what your dimples remind me of?)"
And, I'm like, Oh,brother...what's he up to now???
"Ano? (What?)" I asked bluntly.
"Puwit ko! (My butt!)" he exclaims then laughs like a hayena as he retreats back to the room.

Classic. I don't know if he still remembers that day, but I sure couldn't forget about it. I was so humiliated and embarassed that I didn't smile whenever he's in the area. It took me a while to get over it. Now, Mara and I just laugh about it whenever we remember that moment.

Today, we laugh at them and reminisce about them everytime we have a small gathering. Life has become more complicated because of careers, responsibilities, obligations, and a lot more. When I was able to spend time with Mara and Ian, and seeing Miko after several years, and reminiscing the old times with people I grew up with at the village (Aine, Inggie, Rainier, Mito, Isa, Lady, Jeff, Charles), I realized how much has changed since we started growing up. People and personalities in our lives have come and gone, friendships drift apart and rekindled, renewing of acquaintances to closer friendships, learning and growing together, and a lot more.

Looking back to those early years, I can say that I had a good childhood because God gave me good friends to grow old with. :)

Diversion

2006-12-31T21:17:00.000-08:00

For a week, I wasn't able to get a good internet access ever since the earthquake in Taiwan happened. I was so frustrated because I wasted my time breaking my 1 week vacation leave just to finish something important at the office only to find out that the internet connection is down. I wasn't able to accomplish anything important. But then, I thought it was a good diversion to go to the office and look for something to keep my mind occupied instead of thinking about him.

I kept telling myself that I shouldn't cry over it but I couldn't control my tears when I woke up on Christmas day realizing that the previous night passed without a call from him. I only cried more when I heard "Dreaming With A Broken Heart" on my cd player as I was dressing up. Damn it! What's John Mayer doing in my cd player??? I thought I took him back in the crypts of my drawer last night? The tears I tried to hide from my friends last night finally spilled in the privacy of my room. I didn't want to appear vulnerable and ruin everyone's Christmas mood. I just gave in to the laughter with choir friends and took advantage of the company of good old friends (Mara and Ian came home from the US for the holidays).

When I was through crying, I got out and I just kept myself busy with entertaining my relatives over Christmas lunch. Only to be greeted by my aunts and ninongs with the same question, "Hija! You're glowing! Do you have a boyfriend already?" Glowing??? GLOWING??? What's the matter with these people??? Can't they tell the difference between heaven from hell??? (Ok, I'm not making any sense...)

I spent most of my holiday break with some choir friends and balik-bayan friends. It was a good diversion from all the stress from work and my troubled heart. I needed a good company of friends to cheer me up. It was a good thing we got together again on New Year's Eve because I was so depressed when I got a cold and distant reply from him and the quarrel with my brother in the afternoon. As usual, I watched the fireworks outside. I remembered the time when he used to call me on New Year's Eve while we watched the fireworks in the sky. Last night, I watched them alone. The cellphone in my hand was quiet. I felt really lonely and missed him terribly. "Why didn't you call him instead?" you wonder. Hellooo! After a cold reply like that??? I might just get irritated and be sarcastic. I didn't want to ruin my New Year's Eve any further. And, I'll be going over Mara's house again for a get-together before she leaves for the airport. This is a welcome diversion and it's not often that I get to spend New Year's Eve with friends.

Earlier that night, I went over to the adoration chapel before Misa de Gallo started and prayed for a good new year ahead for my family and also about this confusing state I am in. I can't even complain because, after all, I'm just a friend. One of the many female friends he is acquainted to. I think it didn't matter if we already have pet names for each other. I think it didn't matter if we did things that close friends do. Maybe I just misread his actions and got the wrong impression. I admit that I've made my own mistakes lots of times that makes me not the perfect person for him. But if anyone will ask me when was the last time I felt trully (and crazy) in love, it was the moments I spent with him and the moments he was constantly present in my life. I just prayed that if it is His will that we drift apart like this and he finds happiness in someone else, then so be it. That's the price that I have to pay if that's the only way to make him happy. I just asked for strength to accept whatever will happen.

I know what you guys are thinking...(waaaaahhhh! martyr!) But, that's what I really think is the rational thing to do.

Cold Christmas

2006-12-24T04:00:00.000-08:00

Just a few more hours before I prepare for Simbang Gabi. Though I've been trying to look at the bright side of things to help me still look forward to Christmas, I cannot deny that something is missing in my life. I'm afraid that this year, I won't hear his voice on the phone on Christmas Eve. We've drifted apart all of a sudden. He just called me by my name and not the pet name he usually calls me. It's a sign already, I thought sadly to myself one night as I stared sleeplessly to the dim blank space of my room.

Everytime people would ask me, "Do you have a boyfriend already?", I look back to the scenarios that happened before that moment someone asks me that question. The discussion on money matters with my mom in the car on the way to the grocery store, computing items on my cellphone in the middle of the busy grounds of Tropical Hut Market hoping my bank account could still afford the groceries, troubled thoughts at the back of my head about unfinished work that still has to be settled after Christmas....hmmmm....I wonder WHY???

People would wonder why. Especially, someone special I know.

First of all, I could have a boyfriend if I wanted to eventhough my work demands most of my time and especially since the industry that I move in surrounds me with lots of men. The truth is, I haven't met anyone who can surpass the greatness of this feeling I have from the first boy who ever got me head over heels in love since almost ten years ago. And, he still has my heart in his hands eventhough we don't see each other or communicate as often as before. He doesn't know it though. I am in agony with this confusion of our friendship. Have I understood him wrong with his actions? Or am I right with my heart's intuitions that his dellusionary harsh remarks to me lately is hidden jealousy?

It's almost time for me to get dressed in my best clothes for Christmas Eve mass. This night will pass in numbness in one of the dark corners of my heart. I can feel it. I can only pray that I would cross his mind and angels move his heart to give me a call.

2006-12-22T02:06:00.000-08:00

Oo
UpDharmaDown

di mo lang alam, naiisip kita
baka sakali lang, maisip mo ako
di mo lang alam, hanggang sa gabi
inaasam makita kang muli

nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang panahon
at ngayon akoy iyong iniwang
luhaang sugatan di-mapakinabangan
sana nagtanong ka lang kung di mo lang alam
sanay nagtanong ka lang kung di mo lang alam
akoy iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang

hindi mo lang alam kay tagal nang panahon
akoy nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon, para sayo
lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
kung akoy nagkasala, patawad na sana
ang puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

di mo lang alam akoy iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sanay ako naman
di mo lang alam, ikay minamasdan
sanay iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

di mo lang alam, kahit tayoy magkaibigan lang
bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
akoy nandito lang, hindi mo lang alam
matalino ka naman

kung ikaw at ako ay tunay na bigo
sa laro na ito ay dapat bang sumuko
sanay di ka na lang pala aking nakilala
kung alam ko lang akoy yong masasaktan ng ganito
sanay nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

di mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sanay ako naman
di mo lang alam, ikay minamasdan
sanay iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam
malas mo . . . ikaw ang natipuhan ko
di mo lang alam, akoy yong nasaktan..

Christmas Blues

2006-12-13T07:43:00.000-08:00

Things are going crazy again in my life. Just the other day, I fought with one of our accounting people because she asked me if she can deduct the remaining taxes of my commission (which she miscalculated) to my December salary. The tax amounted to almost P 10,000! And, I'm like, "Are you completely insane???" In the first place, why should I suffer for the mistake she did??? I got so mad, tears started to come down my cheeks. A few minutes earlier, I was just talking to my aunt about plans of celebrating our usual Christmas family reunion at our house in Tahanan. I was telling her that I prepared some special prizes for a Bingo game so that there will be a fun activity for the oldies to enjoy. And I was already planning on what food to buy for Noche Buena and Christmas lunch with the immediate family. My mind was set on making this Christmas special even if I only have enough money to make my family happy through simple gifts and food. And, of course, a little extra such as Bingo games and prizes to make the gathering more memorable.

When I was greeted with that dilemma, I got really depressed. All I could say in my prayer before I sleep was, "Lord, all I wanted was to make this Christmas special...please don't make them take my salary away." And I just cried myself to sleep after that.
*********************************************************************************
I dreamed of him that night. It has been a long time since I've had one of those dreams wherein it felt almost real that he's there near me. But I woke up in the middle of the night due to too much stress over the depressing event the day before. I tried going back to sleep in hopes of going back to the same dream. I missed him so much, I didn't wanna wake up anymore. It was the only place I felt safe and loved. The dreams I've had with him were like a progression of a courtship.

It's funny I had this dream now because I just got upset about what he's been joking about my lifestyle being in the automotive media. I almost feel like he thinks of me as a slut of some sort. I didn't like it. And I was so hurt to be joked around as such coming from him. It's like he didn't knew me well enough. I was so disappointed.

I was so sad because I was hoping he'd be the one who'll make Christmas special for me. After seeing friends pairing off and hearing friends gush about their romances, I am left by myself after all that. I am happy for my friends. It's my situation in my love life I'm not happy about. Nana just told me before she and Brian left my house that it's my turn to get a boyfriend. She and Brian just hooked up over a week ago. I felt more lonely hearing that from her. I know that once a close friend finds a partner, you can't hang out together as often as you used to. And it's a hassle to be hanging out with her and the boyfriend because, like your friend's boyfriend or not, you still feel like the third wheel. Because you ARE the third wheel. Sigh...I guess, I'll grow old alone like most of my aunts who dedicated most of their lives in their career. That's one of my greatest fears...

It was ironic because the new progression of our relationship in my dream was that we finally kissed. And it felt so real.

2006-12-10T06:02:00.000-08:00

Dear You,

I want you to know that I have been hurting lately by how you think of me. No, I am not the kind of person you think I am. No, I am not the kind of girl you'd think is easy. No, I don't go around sleeping with every guy I meet. Didn't you notice that I am somewhat cold and unsure whenever you do something peculiar? It's because I don't even know if you're real or just using me as your mean-time girl. I can still remember what you told me a few years back, about a girl in the past you're still hoping to end up with. Can you blame me if I was unsure about how to respond to your sweet remarks and peculiar actions? If I was the wild girl you perceive me to be, I would've taken advantage of you and dropped you as soon as I find someone else. You may have let me down lots of times as a friend and as a man, but, one, two, million times I keep taking you back in my heart. No, I don't find your jokes and sly remarks funny anymore. This time I'm not going to let it slide because I've been hiding these bleeding wounds far too long. Watch your words, honey. Or else you'll just eat every single word you just said when you find out what I've been keeping in my heart for a long time now.

Did you ever wonder why I never committed to anyone for a long time? Did you ever wonder why of all the guys that I have met along the way, you were the only one I wanted spend time with? Did you ever wonder why I hug you back as tight? Did you ever wonder who I was talking about when I said I am in love with a friend who I feel in my heart is the One? It is because all this time, I've been in love with you. And I don't know anymore if I should still come near you or just disappear like I did before. And this is the last thing I wanna say before I let this feeling go.

I may have a lot of guy friends and been in one romantic relationship but there was only one that I trully loved. There was only one boy who had my heart ever since that summer 9 years ago. That was you.

Fast Lane

2006-12-08T06:15:00.000-08:00

It's one crazy week! I'm getting dizzy with all the proposals that we have to send out and the quota that we have to achieve. And, I mean, literally dizzy! Just the other day, I vomited twice when I got to my client meeting and again when I came back to the office. It was also because of the freaking taxi ride. I swear! Most of these taxi drivers are clutch drivers! They just luuuuv to step on the brake just a bit too much as they step on to the clutch.

Anyway, I'm still learning how to get used to being "the boss". It's still overwhelming, more so with the big responsibility and the leadership that I have to take. It's also tough, because you have to instill a discipline in yourself because you have to be a good example to your fellow officemates. And, also, you have to discipline them also even if they're kinda close to you personally. I handled one AE before and I had to let her go because she wasn't performing well. It's hard for me to do it because I have a soft spot for nice people. The girl was nice, but I have to admit that she isn't really doing her job and I know that I have to consider the fate of the group if one isn't functioning well.

My life's revolving around my work and my friends and family. Nothing romantic has come my way in a long time. I remember telling an officemate that maybe the reason why I haven't got any boyfriend is that God thinks that there's more in single life I have to experience and enjoy before I give myself completely to the right man for me. But I do still long for that romantic feeling to come around again and give me that natural high. Everytime I think about my murky situation with a guy friend, I always wonder if we will still end up together or will he just be someone who got away? We're both career driven and we move in different circles. There would be a possibility that he might meet someone else. Then whatever "kilig" moments that we shared won't mean anything anymore. It would be something that will be left in the past and soon it will be long forgotten. I wonder if I will still cross his mind when we get older. Would he still look for me like he did before?

TreoLuck

2006-12-01T05:55:00.000-08:00

I went to the launch event of the Treo 680 last Tuesday. I was about to change my plans and just stay in the office to finish things ahead of time. But since I have done pretty much most of what needs to be done before lunch time, I still had enough time to travel to go to the event.

I was fashionably late. Just in time when they have served food on the table. It was held in one of my favorite restaurants in Greenbelt 3, The People's Palace. As usual, of all the events that I attended in that restaurant, I was the only one who enjoyed the Pomelo Salad. Ha. I can eat a bowlful of that! Joey has been telling me how good the other foods are. All of them were good!

When the program started, they announced that 1 unit of Treo 680 will be raffled out at the last part of the program. I heard excited snickers from JC, Chuck, and Joey. (oi...wait...that sounded like Tito,Vick,and Joey...hihihihihihihihihiii...) The PDA phone's pretty cool. You can store Word and Xcel files in it as well as music and videos. What's cute about it also is how small it is and it has smileys in the text menu (or whatever you call that sub-menu). It also comes with cool colors such as Arctic, Coppper, Graphite, and Crimson. It has VGA camera, that's one thing that's not so good about it. With the latest PDA phones nowadays, they already have at least 2 megapixel cameras. It's just weird that they didn't upgrade it also with a 2 megapixel camera. Oh, well. At least you can do other things with it and it's a perfect phone for work. Price: Php 28,900. Hmmm...Not bad for a top executive's budget for starters in the Palm scene.

At last, the moment everyone's been waiting for - the raffle. Everyone held their breaths as the Singaporean representative of Palm flipped and fished for a business card in the fish bowl. I had a strong feeling that my card will be picked. I brushed the premonition aside. There were a lot of people, there's a slim chance that I would be picked. Then a card was picked out. The back was red...and I could see the logos of C!, F1, Evo... I held my breath...

"And the lucky winner of the Treo 680 is....Isabel Cortes of C!Magazine!"

I let out a small squeel of delight! "Oh,my God!" was all I could say, wide-eyed and still in disbelief. I wasn't surprised that I won. I was surprised that another one of my premonitions was right. This is the weirdest so far.

It's also a blessing that I won a phone. (Actually, this is the second time this year that I won a phone. Early this year, it was the MotoSLVR.) I have been planning on buying a new phone because I need a phone that has larger memory, longer battery life, and a better camera. I have been targetting into getting a Nokia 6233 this December but, I realized that with the expenses that I have to face this Christmas, it didn't seem promising that I will be able to afford to buy for the time being. Then this event came along. I was so lucky that day. :D

Hopeful About the Future

2006-11-26T06:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, you want to just completely shut yourself from one person that keeps you hanging about a friendship that's already crossing the line between just friends and more than friends. Being the girl, I just don't know what to think of this situation that's been going on since time immemorial. I wouldn't want to assume because I am not really sure about what he really feels. What keeps me holding back is that he already told me years back that he's saving his heart for someone else. That kinda makes me unsure about his real intentions when he's being extra sweet. I like his sweet ways, but I need to know if he's doing that because he really has good intentions from the bottom of his heart or if he's just in need of a mean-time girl. I don't know how to confront him or if I should because doing that might make things awkward between us. It might not be the right thing to do at this point in time. On the other hand, him, as the guy in the situation, might not be sure what he really feels inside. Thus, being distant lately and concentrating on his career. It could be possible. But another possibility that I'm dreading is that what if he's also seeing another girl and is also sweet like he is to me? I can never be too sure about his intentions because he's friends with a lot of girls.

I'm going through that cycle of thinking and analyzing complicated situations again. It drives me crazy and keeps me awake for many nights. After that, I just drop the thought and leave things be. It's beginning to stress me out because I've been through this a million times. I've been thinking of the pros of this situation so as not to be dragged down by depression. Being single is not so bad...focusing on my career is a must for growth...These are the things that I keep reminding myself. We both got the promotion that we were praying for. And with that, we've been more distant to each other because we're both dedicated to our work that we don't talk nor see each other as often as before. I feel like I don't know him anymore and I've changed a lot since the last time we saw each other. Only the feelings never changed inside me. Will our careers keep us farther apart? I hope not. But, I'm seeing that as a possibility. What I can only pray and hope for is that he'll look for me again one day and find me. And when that happens, I hope it won't be too late for us.

Overwhelmed

2006-11-21T05:36:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday afternoon, I went to Portofino with my Mom and younger brother, Lorenzo, to check out the developments in it and the empty lot of my Tita Marivic. It was a perfect Sunday afternoon. It was cool and sunny with a bit of cotton clouds in the sky. As we reached the place, I was transported to another world. It was like a vision in my day dreams of what a good place to live should look like. The style of the houses were a mix of European and Spanish structuring. There were some islands of greenery on some places which makes the place more like a place in Beverly Hills. I loved it! I wish that someday I could buy a house here when I get married. :)

******************************

I have been dealing with a lot of changes in the office and the possible changes that I have to do to myself. For the past years, after I've stepped down as the president of the choir, I have been afraid to take on a leadership role. I was scared of what changes that might occur in me because I was too conscious of how people wouid deal with me personally. I was afraid that they might not be able to separate and understand the duties and responsiblities that I have to act on and what I am as a person.

This is no longer the Devil Wears Prada chapter. I will no longer be trained to dress well and how to deal with clients. I am past that already. What I am being trained to do now is how to take the duties and responsibilities of a supervisor. Just a week ago, I was promoted as the Advertising Supervisor. It costed a stir on some people, questioning my promotion. I couldn't say that I was shocked, more like, overwhelmed. One, because it's a BIG responsibility and two, it's a BIG challenge. I started meeting with my boss about the plans for next year and also started to take some of the responsiblities as the Advertising Supervisor. My boss has been preparing me for the challenges that will come when it comes to the people that will be under me and also the higher quota that I have to reach every month. I have been thinking ahead of the possible challenges that I have to face and changes that I have to undergo. I know that I will shock a lot of people later in the near future. I keep telling myself to learn how to be tough and firm with being fair with everyone in the team. I know what each of them is capable so I have to be really alert in everything. I just pray that I will be able to handle the challenges that will come later on.

*************************************************************

I was feeling nostalgic lately. I dunno. Maybe it's the good weather that we have lately. The afternoons these days are cool and sunny. It brings me back to what I missed about my childhood. These are the random things that I really miss:

1. Sneaking out in the middle of afternoon siesta just to play with Mara at their house in Bogambilya.
2. Going to the park with LuAnne and Abbie on summer afternoons.
3. Going to the tennis clinic early summer mornings and coming home through the sunny alleyway beside our house.
4. Spending summer nights practicing a cheer dance and volleyball for the summer sportsfest.
5. Driving lessons and pep talks with my father.
6. High School days...
7. Swimming practices on summer afternoons.
8. Trick or Treating with village friends.
9. Christmases with my cousins Louie, Edmund, Francis, Trisha, Marisse, Virgil, and Baby Carmella.
10. Being spoilt by my father with books and chocolates.

*Sigh* I miss those days...

How To Touch A Girl by Jojo

2006-11-05T02:28:00.000-08:00

[Verse 1:]
I think I could like you, I already do.
Feelings can grow, but they can go away too.
You're taking my hand, looking into my eyes.
Don't be in a rush to get me tonight.
I feel something happening; could this be a spark?
To satisfy me baby, you gotta satisfy my heart.

[Chorus:]
Do you know How to Touch a Girl?
If you want me so much, first I have to know:
Are you thoughtful and kind?
Do you care what's on my mind?
Or am I just for show?
You'll go far in this world if you know
How to Touch a Girl.

[Verse 2:]
I think I could like you, but I keep holding back,
'cause I can't seem to tell if you're fiction or fact.
Show me you can laugh, show me you can cry.
Show me who you really are, deep down inside.
Do you feel something happening?
Could this be for real?
I don't know right now, but tonight we'll reveal:

[Chorus:]
Do you know How to Touch a Girl?
If you want me so much, first I have to know:
Are you thoughtful and kind?
Do you care what's on my mind?
Or am I just for show?
You'll go far in this world if you know How to Touch a Girl.

[Bridge:]
Bring me some flowers,
Conversation for hours,
to see if we really connect,
and baby, if we do, I'll be giving all my love to you!

[Chorus:]
Do you know How to Touch a Girl?
If you want me so much, first I have to know:
Are you thoughtful and kind?
Do you care what's on my mind?
Or am I just for show?
You'll go far in this world if you know How to Touch a Girl...

2006-10-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

Suddenly
Soraya

A thousand eyes looking at me
But yours is the look that goes right through me and I
Cannot Hide from your stare
Should I let you in - do I dare
Some other hands have tried before
But yours is the touch that makes me want more and I
Cannot hide the urgency
To have you here lying with me because

Suddenly in my life
There's something that's got me mystified and I
Cannot fight it but I can try
To keep the wonder of it alive

A thousand words have tried to say
But yours are the ones that'll never fade away and I
Cannot hide from their sound
I am mesmerized spinning round and round and
Some other hearts have tried to steal mine
But yours is the one that I now hold dear
I'll do what it takes to keep you here
I'm a selfish fool and I have no fear

Suddenly in my life
There's something that's got me mystified and I
Cannot fight it but I can try
To keep the wonder of it alive

A thousand times I've tried to stay
Alone by pushing you away
Time after time and tear after tear
I find myself back here with you
A thousand visions have come to me
Promising serenity
And as I struggle to find the source of this peace
I always end up with your kiss

Suddenly in my life
There's something that's got me mystified and I
Cannot fight it but I can try
To keep the wonder of it alive
Suddenly in my life
There's something that's got me mystified and I
Cannot fight it but I can try
To keep the wonder of it alive

Only Thing I Know

2006-10-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things I want to tell you
But everytime I'm with you
I am lost in a trance with your presence
I'm locked into the intoxication of your touch
Mesmerized with the way you look at me
We share a private smile that holds full of mysteries
Not too sure of what your heart says
Only thing I know is that I haven't been honest with you
And I forget everything else I was going to say

I feel safe in your embrace
You take away my sorrows and pain
as you hold me close
My knees go weak and my head spins
I feel so helpless when you're so near

Do you feel the same way as I do?
We're walking blindly together in this friendship
Where is this going, I don't know.
I can only feel the beating of my heart when you're close
Silence can mean a lot of things
You're a mystery to me as I am to you
Only thing I know is that I long for you all the time
And you're the only cure

2006-10-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

There comes a point in our lives when we learn bitter truths that shatters our ideals. It's a part of growing up. As this happens, the horizon of our minds goes further and it expands endlessly.

I feel like I have come full circle in a part of my life wherein I learn that the world of wealth and glamour is a dangerous place. You lose yourself as you are lured to the dark side of the materialistic world. You forget who you are as you're blinded by the aesthetic beauty of the elitists' world. You begin to lose appreciation of the things that really mattered in your life and you get mixed up with the vampires who you thought were the friends you can have in life. You can't see the difference anymore between what's real and what's not. You try hard to please everyone just to blend in. Thus, you begin to lose appreciation of yourself. This all leads to depression.

I was so high above myself with the world I moved in. I have failed to see life in a more reasonable and spiritual way. I didn't recognize myself. I may have become the best person of me yet, but pride became my downfall. I thought that fitting in would mean that everything will come easy on me. I was so wrong. I thought that being in the world of elitists would make me a better person and make me happy. I was wrong in that too. I longed and ached for the company of my real friends. The friends I shared growing pains with. These are the same people who let me be the person that I am. Flaws and all.

My guy friend and I were chatting one day. I checked up on him because he sounded stressed on his status message. I told him that at least he didn't do anything crazy as moving out of the house and moving back in after a few weeks. He suspected that the truth was that I moved in with a boyfriend and it didn't work out that's why I moved back to the house. I was confused with his suspicion. I was like, "Where did that come from?"
I only told him that I didn't have a boyfriend. (Silly! If he only knew who I really wanted...the only one I wanted to be as the large part of my life...) It did hurt to be getting that impression from a really close friend. I think I may have given him the impression that I lost myself in being a "wild child". We are of the opposite in so many ways yet we blend in a lot of different ways. But, having known him for a long time and getting that comment from him, maybe he doesn't know me that well enough. I thought about it and I realized that I can't blame him entirely about it. I was careless and I shut him out a lot of times with some of what's been happening in my life.

I've been frustrated with my life, that's why I was drawn to this plunge off the peak of my quarter-life crisis. I'm 25 years-old and already I'm acting as the silent head of the family. Playing mother to my siblings and to my own mother. Someone had to take out the trash. As fate dictated it, that person had to be me. I may have complained about it a lot of times. I wished I could take back the times that I should've lived a carefree life. But, with all that I've been through, I realized a lot of things. Family is still family no matter what you do. It's either you live with being at odds with them or fix and work things out together. I learned that the only people who can accept your flaws and could stand the anger that's been eating up to the core of your soul is your family.

As I come full circle with the chaos I've been through, I've come to learn who my true friends are. And, I learned so much from them too.

The Ugly Duckling Come Full Circle

2006-09-21T05:52:00.000-07:00

It felt almost like committing suicide and murder at the same time.

I never thought that I could do something so drastic and rebellious in my life. I moved out of our house and tried living alone. With all the pressures and problems at home, I couldn't bring myself to learn how to be on my own to grow and concentrate working without worrying about personal issues on the side. I had to do something and make a stand with this. Or else I'll go crazy.

In over the span of two weeks, I was able to say my quick goodbyes to village friends and my brothers. My mom wouldn't want to talk to me when I told her that I have found a place to live. There were a lot of misconceptions on that part that made me move out a lot quicker. I left her a long letter expressing everything I felt all these years before I boarded a taxi bearing the rest of my stuff. She didn't know I left already. She thought I was just sleeping in my room. It was a shock to her to find my room empty of me.

I was over confident that I could survive because I had money. "This will be easy." I thought. Having enough money to help out at home and having money to be able to support myself. Perfect. I'm RICH. I can do whatever I want, now that I have money. But, I later learned the bitter truth that it's not that simple.

Who would've thought that a week could flood you with a lot of other realizations that you've never thought would be possible. I keep telling myself that maybe my homesickness and loneliness has an influence over my judgement. "Be strong. You can do this." I keep telling myself over and over each time I spend lonely nights curled up reading a book to quiet the voices inside my head that something is wrong about this. "Think about the future. Think about the future." I keep visualizing reaching that goal of living in a really big house all on my own. But then I thought, would I enjoy it with my loved ones with me? I thought that maybe this is the way to make things work. I wanted to change the course of the family history. Later on, I only realized that I am only heading to the same path and this path I chose will have a great influence to that doomed future. A broken and messed up family. Is this the right way and the right time to move on to grow? Will I be proud of myself when I bring new souls into this world only to show that I left a really dark past behind without ever trying to fix it? That wouldn't be a good example to pass on to my would-be children - because that was exactly what happened to my father's family which left them obliterate.

Valued relationships restrained, a lot of mess was left, and unfinished business that I have neglected. This was also accompanied by an even low performance at work that made me all the more depressed. I can picture the ghost of my father disapproving of my actions. I know I have betrayed a lot of people I cared about with my vanity, carelessness, and pride. For the first time, I saw the monster that I have become. "This isn't me." I thought. Is this the person i wanted to become? I felt disgusted with myself. I was a mess. And, totally lost.

In my little "apartment" room, I was left with my thoughts. "It's time to listen to your heart, Mabel...No more questions of what people would think and your pride is no longer important...this is your family that you're risking." the voice inside me whispered. It's probably what my father would have told me if he were alive and talking some sense out of me right now. I left the next morning to pay a visit at home. When I saw that I was right about the mess that I left and a friend who honestly told me what he thought that brought some sense out of me, I decided to move back home. I honestly didn't know how to explain myself to people who knew I moved out. But, then again, how could you expect everyone to understand? There was one who was utterly disappointed that somehow brought hate in her for me, but I can't blame her for reacting that way because she's the last person who would understand the depths of the thoughts that move my world.

In those two weeks of my messed up phase, I learned to see who my true friends are. Friends who would accept you for all your flaws and mistakes and who's there for you when you didn't have anyone to turn to. And for this phase I've gone through, I am deeply in debt for all the kindness and care they have given me.

Fallen Angel

2006-09-20T05:19:00.000-07:00

There is a point in a glam life that you learn most of real life's hardest lessons.

The dangerous side of all this is that once you get a taste of little power you develop boldness in using it. It becomes sort of a happy drug and you can't get enough of it. You become so addicted to it that you cannot see reason and right judgement anymore. You get vain and, at the same time, vulnerable of other people's opinions about you. You get blinded by the lights of high society and get easily influenced by their kind of strut in their public life that you fail to see that they also have flaws. You begin to chase the wrong dreams and aspirations. You leave behind the closest people with the speed of your lifestyle. You hunger for the BIG life. You cling to it like a leech.

Then, comes a point wherein you have let your pride blindly drag you down to your own lonely hell.

The Glam Life

2006-09-11T06:13:00.000-07:00

The glamorous life.

Who doesn't like going to parties? Everyone likes parties. In our job, we are supposed to know how to mingle with people. This is where I met different kinds of people. From socialites and celebrities to the most humble beings. Up to the CEO's down to their receptionists. From the most warm to the cold. Different people from different walks of life. I learned that everyone has their own story but could relate to each other only if there were no social barriers. Who would think that I, a middle class nobody, can relate to a upper class dame about hair trouble? Ok...that statement was too "Legally Blond"-ish. But, you get my point, right?

Almost every month, we are required to go to the events of our clients. These events are more like parties. Which my mom accuses me of enjoying too much. If only she knew. It gets really tiring after a while. Having to go there at night when you would just rather go home and sleep. I'm not saying that I don't like it. I love going out and enjoying meeting people. There are times when I'm too stressed and tired to go. Also, there are times when you go to the same places. I slipped by tongue clumsily about this high-end venue that is a choice of most clients to hold their events. I told this guy that I was already tired of going to that place. Later on, I found out that HE was the owner of that place. Oops... What I really meant was that I was tired of giong there for EVENTS. I would like to go there just to enjoy dancing and hanging out with friends without being conscious of acting professional around business parters. You see, that's the difference in going to parties to have FUN and going to these pseudo-event parties that require you to BEHAVE. My boss gave me a stern restraint in drinking alcohol during events. She said that I have a tendency to drink too much. I was surprised because I never went overboard to the point that I'd get too drunk to bring myself home. But my boss told me that it was so obvious because my face would easily flush and get giddy. Ok, fine...I get TIPSY.

It is true that you get to meet a lot of people at events. There are a lot of guys too. I remembered a guy friend of mine who kept on asking me if I have met anyone interesting at these events. (I'm like, "What's it to him anyway?") I just said that I haven't met anyone "interesting". I know that this part of my job exposes me to a lot of guys. But, I haven't quite met anyone that really catches my attention. Some guys that I got to know became my friends, and there are some guys who would shower me with kind compliments and flirt. It all ends there though. I've learned how to read a guy's level of sincerity in his actions. I know when to let my guard down to the right person. *Sigh* Too bad he doesn't know I'd let my guard down any day for him.

Going to these events made me come out of my shell little by little. I remember when I went to my first Mitsubishi Christmas party, James set me up to sing with the accoustic band on-stage. I had declined the invitation at first when the host called for someone in the media to sing with the band. I was cowering behind Aileen and Nana so as not to attract any more attention by James' and the others' cheer. That was the very first time I displayed my talent in front of more than a hundred people. It was even a bigger crowd than our usual audience during our small gigs. And, I must admit. I loved it. James took photos. I felt like a real pop star for a few minutes. After that, I blushed the whole evening from the looks of people at my direction. I couldn't tell if they were curious or annoyed that I was a show off. I just kept my chin up and pretended I didn't see them looking at me. I blushed even more when the people from Mitsubishi smiled at me delightedly. I didn't know if they were amused or if they had another plan in mind. Later on, every time I would go to their office or see them in their other events, they would remind me to sing again on their next Christmas party. After that, I was invited to sing to different parties. And, twice, it was James' fault.

*****************************
More on my next entry.... keep on reading!

Continuation...

2006-08-29T07:19:00.000-07:00

I was never a great conversationalist with boys. I think it was a trauma I developed when I was younger. I had this huge crush on this mestizo in our village. I was so infatuated! I was crushing on him for three years. Once day, my so-called "friends" that time exposed me to him and his friends. At first, I was hurt and disappointed with my friends, but later on, I realized that it was a blessing in disguise. It was an awakening for the truth about the wrong kind of friends that I hung out with and the truth about "the face". It turns out that pretty boy wasn't pretty on the inside after all. I saw a jerk instead. If it weren't for that day he coached us for soccerbase, I wouldn't have seen his true colors and would be blind until now.

I never considered myself as a guy magnet. With my wide hips and other chubby features, guys would be scared to be caught dead with me. But I was proven wrong when I had my first boyfriend who had the exterior features I tried to avoid ever since "the face". He was handsome. Looked young for his age. He's actually a year older. My friends told me that we look good together because we were both "baby faced". He actually awakened this appreciation in me for how I looked. He said that guys often don't admit that they prefer full bodied women than that of stick thins. Animal instincts is the logic. A male specie would likely be attracted to a female who had wider hips and full breasts because it means that she's would be perfect for child bearing. Same goes to females who are attracted to males who are broad chested that signifies the strength to protect.

But, that thought didn't stick in my philosophy any longer ever since my ex-Romeo disappeared on me. I was played. I had wondered countless times if he ever meant all the sweet things he has said to me back then. To get over this, I went through a major diet. I was a bum and restless. I had to do something while I waited for companies to call me for an interview. I jogged everyday and ate oatmeal religiously every morning for breakfast. I lost 22 lbs. before joining the magazine company that would change my life. Little did I know what was waiting for me behind the murky blue double glass doors of that office.

Anyway... Back to the point I was trying to drive at. I wasn't too keen on talking to just any guy in fear that they might get the wrong impression. Especially when the boys who I am supposed to interact with are mostly from well to do families. We call them the "conyo boys". Just the word "conyo" sent warning signals to my social radar. The word "conyo" was mysteriously popularized by "the face" a long time ago, to mean "handsome mestizo". The fact that I didn't agree with him when I was asked by some of his friends. That was the first time I got so turned off by his ignorance and arrogance, considering that he also had Spanish blood and that it was more obvious in his features than in mine. I've heard of that word a hundred times from my father whenever I would hear him curse when I was a child. "Conyo", for everyone's information, means "vagina".

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. hehe...

Anyway, the word "conyo" was ever since connected to my memory of "the face". I had to put my guard up so as not to appear naive to these guys. One December night changed that. I was having trouble with the Christmas gifts that I have to move out of the office. The only ones left in the office were a few lay out artists buried with a lot of work, and one "conyo" boy idly searching through google. He didn't seem that busy. He's only a couple of months new to the company and he seems snobbish with his composed and expressionless mestizo face. At that point I didn't care anymore since I know my mom will be furious with me for being slow to come down from the office. I cringed at the thought of my mom sneering at me. I got up all the courage and walked up to him. I cleared my throat so I wouldn't squeak. I simply asked him if he was busy. He looked at me with a puzzled look that creased some boredome. "I have a huge favor to ask you." Ok. So that was an over statement. "Can you help me carry my stuff down stairs?" I forced a mega watt sweet smile, hoping it would work. I've seen Nana do that to them and it worked. I hope it would also work with me. He simply said, "Ok." and automatically stood up. I can't believe it! It worked! And ever since that, he's been one of my good friends in the office. He's my human left-over food dispenser. Every time I couldn't finish what I ate, he would readily help me finish everything. :P

*************************
to be continued...again...

Where The Glamorous Life Began

2006-08-26T05:08:00.000-07:00

Since I am always the single person in my circle of friends, I've thought of other ways to look at my life in a different light. Being single, I have no commitments and I am free to do as I choose in the flirting game. Well...ok...so, I'm not really liberating myself all the time in my single life but that's only me being the hopeless romantic masochist that I am. But, I must say, that I still keep myself realistic about things around me. I'm not completely oblivious of the guys that would shower me with flattery every now and then. There are some guys who would make me blush, some are already unbelievable, and there are others who make me feel uncomfortable.

I've been writing about the inner turmoils of my heart for as long as I remember. Eventhough my love life hasn't been that colorful lately, I think it's time that I enjoy my social life (also, social flirting) on a new level.

First, let me take you in on a little background on where the turn of events all started...

I have my own version of The Devil Wears Prada. Only, my boss isn't all that bad and I'm not in the fashion business (well, on some occassions and during special circumstances, maybe). I work in a car magazine as an advertising account executive and my work revolves around the interests of men. Eversince I started working for the car magazine, my world completely changed. Including me.

I was never the fashion expert. I would only wear clothes that could hide my tummy and big hips. I hated my big butt. I lost a little weight before I started working for the car magazine and I was broke as well. That left me with my old office clothes that made me look like I'm swimming in them. I was an unhealthy sight for sore eyes. I was even surprised why my boss hired me when I looked like a disaster. My boss did comment on how I wore my hair and my clothes. I used to hide my ugly hair in a half-made bun so that my frizzy hair would tame. I won't begin how my hair has an identity crisis on its own. It's complicated. My college friend, Nana, who was also hired with me, awakened my fashion awareness sense. Until now, I am still thankful. :) She gave me a make-over.

Several baggy clothes and frizzy hairs later, I started ironing my hair every morning (which was so time consuming), putting on make-up, and choosing my clothes carefully. I even grew an interest in the make-up department wherein I would experiment on mixing different colors for eyeshadows. I was dressed to kill. But, it was all that. I learned that there was another thing missing which I learned from my boss and other people's observation. I appeared to be just a pretty face and nothing else. That was because I was too scared to come out of my shell. That was the time my boss gave me a personality make-over. I always got the confidence boost in all the pep talks that she has given me everytime we would have a performance appraisal. That started me to come out of my shell little by little.

That's where the new journey began.

**************
More about that on my next entry. Keep on reading!

Mongray

2006-08-21T00:37:00.000-07:00

Monday...hmph...It's still gray and cloudy outside. It rained hard last night which made me sleep in this morning. It's a good thing it's a non-working holiday today. Didn't feel like going out so I stayed behind, alone at home with my thoughts.

This kind of weather gives me different kinds of feelings. It makes me gloomy because I can't see the sun shine. Sometimes, when I look outside the window long enough just studying the movements of the gray clouds, I could feel a sense of nostalgia over the many rainy days that passed me by as I was growing up. The way I used to feel about rainy days when I was still a school girl, wondering if school will be suspended or not. Sometimes, I wouldn't mind because there so much mystery in the clouds that makes the surroundings seem dreamy and makes me feel adventurous. I don't mind getting wet in the rain because there are days when you just need to feel something real from the heavens to touch your skin.

Gray Skies

2006-08-20T02:22:00.000-07:00

The color of the skies haven't changed since July. Gray and unpredictable. I almost believed that it had a lot to do with my mood. I just let the days drag me on, making me exhaust all reasons to go on with my life. I find myself thinking every dull morning of why I should continue with the daily routine of my everyday life. I have lost inspiration in everything I do. I keep on telling myself that I don't need romance to keep me sane. But, as hard as I try, it gets complicated every day. I tried burying myself with work until I got tired and burned out. Laughed at myself and everything until my chest would get numb from the reality that I'm trying to deny. What else should I do? Would it change anything if I did something with it? Besides, since that night that he forgot about me, I think I pretty much got my answer to the one question lingering in my mind for many years.

Just the other day, I came home looking for my kittens only to find out that they were all kitnapped. I felt a wave of sadness. They were one of the simple things that made me smile every time I wake up to another gray skied morning and come home to from a tiring day. And one of the kittens was a promise I gave to him. I cursed myself silently as I locked myself in my room depressed. I should've listened to my intuition days before that I should've told him to come pick up the kitten. My pain and confusion clouded my judgement over my intuition. I guess we don't have any reason to see each other anymore.

I found the book that I've been looking for. It is a really interesting book. The story of the two main characters weren't really comparable to the story of the real people with those names. What did remind me strongly of him was how the character could recognize the girl's scent when the wind would blow. I looked wistfully outside my window to the gray skies remembering something that had happened what seemed like a long long time ago.

In my job, I get to meet a lot of guys. After all, I am working for a men's magazine. I've met a lot of guys. Some of them would show interest or shower me with flattery and others that I've become good friends with. I would usually fall for a really nice guy. I tried envisioning myself with a few of them that were really great but I could never picture myself with anyone of them the way I saw myself with him. I wished I had the courage to tell him that when he began to peculiarly express his jealousy about me being exposed to a lot of guys at work with the possibility of meeting someone interesting. Now, I could never be sure if he was really serious about that. I tried to forget him by paying attention to other guys just realizing that I could never get the same feeling I had when I'm with him. I just couldn't get him off my mind that easily. I keep telling myself that he's just not that into me and learn to face it.

As masochistic as it seems, I've told God in my prayers that if we're not meant for each other, I hope He gives him someone who would give him the kind of love that he's looking for. With my messed up life and the path that I'm taking, I don't think I could let him be with me. He has such a promising future and a lot of love in him that I wouldn't want him to waste it with me.

Sting

2006-08-15T05:14:00.000-07:00

I decided to stay home today and rest. I feel like I'm near to getting myself burned out with work. I found myself asking this question, "Is this all that there is in my life?" I got what I wanted - in my career, that is. A self-fulfilling promise that I made to myself and to my deceased father, that I would take care of my mom and my younger brother, the most vulnerable of the family since he passed away. But, something is still missing. Pessimistically speaking, I don't think "he" will be able to fill that void anymore. Too much time has passed and too many things left unsaid. But, then again, I begin wondering to myself if I'll ever find anyone who could make me feel that way ever again. They say "lust" is something that is hard to resist. I say, it only depends if one has ever experienced that kind of feeling of pure bliss in falling deeply in love. If you have, "lust" just comes in like a spike in your coke. Thirst quenching yet it gives you a certain high.

I'm tired of being with the wrong guy or wasting my time with Mr. Maybe. I've met so many guys in my job. A lot of them would show a little promise but I can never imagine myself growing old with them or getting the same feeling I had with... No, I have to get over him.

It rained the whole day. I read a book most of the day that I spent in bed. I was reading the book I was talking about on my last entry. I thought it would make me numb at seeing our names together, over and over. I must say, the plot of the story is really good. Some parts of the book triggered an ironic sense. But, again, I'm not saying that the whole story can be compared to the reality I live in now. It's entirely different. We never got too far from our friendship. From what I have noticed and observed lately, he might just be playing really friendly to me. I must've misinterpreted his intentions. What a big fool I was, right? I should've seen it coming. I've been thinking if it was possible for guys to act too friendly without any special intentions behind their peculiar behavior. I know, I analyze things too much.

My best guess right now is that maybe he took interest with someone else that's why he's been distant lately. It's always like that. I've learned too much from dating two sinfully flirtatious guys. They show interest, then when they get tired and found someone else, they'll just leave you cold. I'm afraid that the next time that I do fall for someone, I might be the first one to bolt out. Though I have been taking this pain cooly inside, this is what stings the most.

I'm In Love With A Vampire

2006-08-07T07:58:00.000-07:00

I finished two books in one week end! How about that? Now what do I do? I guess it's another trip to Power Books after work :D I just finished reading Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and Simply Sexy by Janice Lee (did I get the name of the author right?)

I've been reading a lot of books lately. I'm still waiting for Rose to lend me the fourth book of Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series. I got bored with the third book, but a friend of mine, a Terry Goodkind fanatic, promised me that the fourth book is better. He better be right...

I have been obsessing on looking for good books to read. I guess all the frustrations of not affording to buy one has gotten to me. Now that I can afford to buy one every pay check is a big deal for me. It's something that gives me reason for so many things that I want to escape. Idleness of the mind, and burying a broken heart to my farthest of memories, hoping that the memories of the stories in the book would replace the memories that I wanted to erase or put in the past.

Until there came a book that caught my attention...

Zennia was telling me about it this afternoon at work. She borrowed this book from her friend. I never heard Zennia talk so emotionally about a book. She told me that she finished it in one sitting coz she couldn't put it down. She said she cried about it because the story was so touching. This was the plot: A new girl transferred to a small town and meets this gorgeous guy in high school and they fall in love. But the problem is, their love is forbidden. Why? Because prince charming is a vampire. He tries so hard to avoid her coz the scent of her blood is so tempting that he wants to get away with their family's diet of drinking animal's blood rather than humans'. In the end, they do end up together but as their relationship progresses so does the plot thickens. I found the story very intriguing. Until she told me the name of the two main characters. And I thought, how ironic...

For those who know me very well, I guess you already know what names I'm talking about.

It's also weird that somehow, in its twisted way, the nature of their psychological reaction to their situation mirrors what I am thinking and feeling about this whole confusing friendship. Except that, we didn't go to a deeper level in our relationship.

Just when I was making progress with drifting away from him, this comes up. Now that I am thinking about my situation, I am left wondering if I'll ever feel the same way for another guy. In my work, I get to meet a lot of people. He once asked me if I have met anyone that has caught my interest. I simply told him, "No." He knows very well that the nature of my work means I get to be exposed to a lot of guys since I'm working for a car magazine. Which also means that my work revolves in MEN'S WORLD. He kidded by saying that he's jealous. Of course, I am lost in translation again. He couldn't mean that he's making hints, is he? I could never tell if he's serious about things he would say because whatever he would say, sometimes, it would seem that he has forgotten whatever he had said afterwards. So, I didn't assume. Instead of cornering him, I kidded back by saying I will never replace him. (But, deep inside, I meant what I said.)

After what has been said, what has never been done, and lost translations, I feel like we're miles apart. Nobody knows if this thing will ever be resolved. It's an invisible struggle of some sort and I feel that I will carry this mystery with me until the day I die.

July 31 to August 4, 2006

2006-08-02T02:54:00.000-07:00

Getting promoted as Senior Account Executive made me feel all the more pressured by the weight of responsibility it comes along with. I have to be more vigilant than before. I keep telling myself not to panic. Besides, it's just what I needed to distract myself from dwelling in thoughts about him. Aside from obsessively looking for books to read at home when I don't have anything to do.

I am moving on with my life concentrating on my work, trying my best to hit my targets because behind all these, I have a family to support and a boy to forget. It did pass my mind that I might get tied up and end up being an old maid like most of my aunts. It's one of the things that leaves a nagging worry at the back of my mind. Especially when I'm in the marrying age already. This 25th year of my life proved that everything that I have aspired for wouldn't come true. A new music gig with a new band didn't work out, things got cold and void with me and this guy friend I thought (for years) would be the One, thus, ending up single and unmarried at 25.

On one rainy morning, on my way to work, I was stuck in traffic in the middle of Sky Way, which I wasn't very happy about because I have issues being in the middle of a bridge. I'm afraid of heights. I freak out silently in my head everytime I would feel the bridge beneath us would slowly rock everytime cars would pass by the opposite side. I'm afraid that with these many cars on the bridge, the structure won't be able to handle it. Especially when there are BIG buses on it. "What if it suddenly break?" I thought in my paranoid state. I tried to concentrate on the music on my iPod and think of things that I have to do at work to keep me distracted. I heard the driver announce that the high way under the bridge is already flooded. Which explains the traffic on the Sky Way. Everybody had been avoiding the flood. And, also, we don't really have any alternatives but to stay on the freaking Sky Way!

Then a thought suddenly struck me that made my eyes go wide. He's probably on his way to work through the high way! What if he's stuck in the flood? He and everyone else I know who's north bound to work or school. Wait a minute... I shouldn't be thinking about him when I am making progress at moving on. I reasessed myself and weighed things in my head. Then visions of him getting stuck in the flood kept dreeping in my mind. I decided to warn friends about the traffic situation so it won't seem that he's the only one I texted. I wasn't expecting him to respond but he did. But we only exchanged brief messages for a short while. That was the only interaction we've had that week. The only one we've done in a long time.

Wednesday, I gave in to an invitation from a friend to have dinner with her and this guy she's been building up on me. I guess one dinner won't hurt. And I don't think there's any promise. It turned out ok, though I ended feeling more like the third wheel. I must admit that they could hit it off pretty well together.

Thursday was a bad day. I don't wanna go into details because I don't really expose sensitive family matters on line. It made me finally decide what I should've done a long time ago.

Friday night, I had two events to go to - HP and Johnnie Walker. It's another one of those "glamorous" nights as my friends would call it. Sometimes I enjoy them, sometimes I don't. Especially when you know that you don't have a ride home. I felt a longing creep up my chest but I pushed it away before it could win me over. If I was going to start living on my own, I should learn how to take care of myself and be tough on my own. I can't be all weak and needy for a guy. Zen and her friend Gabby dropped me off at Makati where it would be easier for me to hail a cab going home. Since the traffic has thinned out at 11pm, there was hardly any taxi that passed by. There were only buses that are headed up north and it looks like most of the people that were with me at the bus stop were headed there. As people thinned out at Ayala, I decided to walk to Park Square and pray that there would still be a shuttle van going to Sucat. As I tried my best to walk despite my sore feet, someone walked beside me and was asking me something that sounded like he was lost. Tired as hell, I looked at him questioningly with one brow raised. I said "What?" but it didn't come out well given my mood that night. Then he mumbled something that sounded like, "Nahihiya kasi ako e..." as he scratched behind his ear. I only said, "Huh?" Then he blurted, 'Pwede bang makipagkilala?" My eyes went wide in surprise and told him "No thank you," in a hurried way. I walked (or rather limped) as fast as my sore soles would permit me looking sideways to check if anyone was following. As soon as I reached the well lit and alive atmosphere of Gloria Jean's and Tower Records along Glorietta, I sighed in relief. I walked carefully down the road going to Park Square. I felt that longing creep up again and this time it was a sharp pang in the core of my heart. I found myself wishing he was there to pick me up and bring me home like he did a couple of times. Vulnerability. I pushed the feeling aside as hard as I could before it devours me completely.

There were days when he would be warm as a summer day and there were times when he's so distant and cold. The warm days seems so far away now. I'm all the more getting numb with this kind of friendship but all the more clear as to what I mean to him.

I've been trying to move in a different direction ever since he became distant. I don't wanna wait for that time again when he would be warm as summer only to feel drifting away afterwards. I don't want to be just one of the girls that he's close to. I feel like a mean-time girld. I don't want that.

Maybe we are not really meant to be. We're opposite of each other. He's clean-cut and serious while I'm jagged at the edges and wild. I live a messed up life while he has a perfect family. He has a really good future ahead of him while I'm destined to become a mediocre failure.

Fade Away

2006-07-26T06:31:00.000-07:00

If you were wondering if he and I did go out for coffee, well, we didn't. It took me weeks to get the courage to write about it because I find myself dismissing the thought. Maybe it's because it said so much about how he feels and how he treats me. I find myself asking so many questions but couldn't bring myself to tell him. I told myself that day that I shouldn't expect for him to remember nor text me to confirm. I told myself that this time, I won't be the one who will be texting because he was the one who invited me. What hurt was that what I had expected was true and how it tells so much about what he really feels. The previous Sunday was just an illusion. It was misleading. As the song goes, "My imagination just stole me away". I felt so lost...and I still feel that way. I thought that my intuition felt so right that night and the other times we've spent together. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe we were never meant to be...

He can't seem to tell me what he wants. He does peculiar things that really confuses me and at the same time makes me fall in love with him all over again. But, in the end, I am left hanging with the mystery of what his true intentions are. Yes, he's one great friend, and I value our friendship. It's just that lately, these feelings I have kept for years have gone deeper to the core of my soul and it has been implanted to my whole being. I've turned down guys for him for crying out loud!

Maybe it's time to move on and, this time, never look back.

*********

Underneath Unrequited Stars

2006-07-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

Ok..so I was in a daze about seeing Superman (Brandon Routh) for the second time. Thought it would be a good diversion from thinking about my pseudo-best guy friend and all the confusion in our friendship. Which, in fact, kinda worked, until he texted me again last Sunday night just asking the same questions he asked the previous Sunday. I am like, "What is this? What in the world does he really want? He can't be asking these questions for nothing?!" Then he asked me to go with him next Sunday when he brings his sister back to her condo then we can have coffee after and catch up. A-HA! So, that's what he's been thinking! He repeated what he has told me a thousand times since we stopped seeing each other for occassional movie and coffee dates - he missed me. I couldn't be too sure about the truth in that but I told him just the same. After all, I was sure that it was what I felt. We were exchanging text messages while he's driving eventhough I told him not to because it was dangerous. He ended up calling my cellphone while he's on his way back to our village. Time: 11:45pm. We talked for about 20 minutes. He said the words that I longed to hear and not just see through text messages. He said it with the sincerest and sweetest way that I felt dizzy in confusion with the whole friendship thing between us.

"*sigh* I miss you..."
"I miss you too..."

A voice inside my head kept repeating, "Prepare to be kissed..."

He suddenly had this brilliant idea of picking me up at my house in the middle of the night to go to the park and talk. Was it "The Talk"? It turns out that it wasn't. We just caught up with each others' lives. Like any old friends would do whenever time and work has kept them apart. Did I sense a strong feeling that he wanted to kiss me under the moonlight? Very strong. But it didn't happen. Maybe it's been a long time since we've seen each other. Even I would feel wrongly about it. Eventhough it didn't happen, it was just ok because I know that if he did want to kiss me, it would be at a right time and for the right reason.

I Should Tell You...

2006-06-19T01:15:00.000-07:00

I should tell you...
The many secrets I've kept under the shadows
The many tears I've cried behind your back
The many years I've waited here

I should tell you...
How you make me feel beautiful
How you make me feel safe around you
How you make me smile when I'm down

I should tell you...
How I tremble by the touch of your hand
How I panic whenever you're close
How my heart flutters each time you say, "I miss you..."

I should tell you...
That I am lost in this friendship
That I am swayed by a million emotions
Yet at peace when I'm with you

I should tell you...
I have yet to know what you really feel
Confused with your sweet ways
Reminding myself that friends is all that we can be

I should tell you...
This is what I've been feeling all along
This is what has been holding me back
This is what I've been living for

The Toss

2006-06-13T02:52:00.000-07:00

Just before my birthday, I've been facing a lot of realizations about this confusing heart situation. Questions like, why am I still saving my heart for this guy friend I can never have? Am I saving blindly to the wrong guy? Was the first that has gone (my ex), the right one all along? If so, what would've happened if I could change what happened between me and my ex? Would that be something that would put more meaning to our relationship? Am I the one who should've done something to make things work?

My bestfriend in college called my ex just last night because it was going to be his birthday today. That's when the bomb was dropped. He already has a girlfriend. And when she asked him about me, it was as if what we had didn't matter anymore. He just said that it didn't work out and never admitted that he just left without any closure. Too scared of my older brother that prevented him to make an effort to make things work. He said that he did love me but "love wasn't enough that time". Same thing he said on our last phone conversation. He made me believe that he'd still be there but he just disappeared. He was able to find an easy way out. When asked if he has plans of contacting me again, he just said that he's seeing somebody else already.

I was crushed with painful confusion. I wondered why it didn't work and was starting to think that it could be my mistake. I couldn't sleep that night recalling what he said to my friend, "I did love her, but love wasn't enough that time..." I keep asking myself "why?" I tossed and turned in my bed until 5am this morning. I just decided to go to the gym to keep my mind off this.

After going to the gym, I opened my PC in the office to check my e-mails. My MSN automatically signed in and left it like that while I settle in the office. Then came a message from my guy friend greeting me. While we were exchanging messages, I looked through Friendster and thought to take a peek at my ex's Friendster page. I did find him alright. Scanned through his page and a realization hit me - I don't care anymore. I read a new message from my guy friend. A smile lit my face for the first time in many weeks. Now I know why... I remembered the good times I had with my guy friend. He treated me how a lady should be treated. He showed me that I should have some respect for myself and that's how a guy should treat a lady.

Sniff...

2006-06-07T03:15:00.000-07:00

I have been going through a rough week lately and I'm not happy about it. Every morning I've been trying to pull myself out of the bed fighting this depressing feeling I've been carrying. And I'm telling you, it gets heavier every single day. With all the chaos that I have to deal with and the heart ache that I am nursing to heal, I am screaming for help deep inside. I just don't know how long I can hold on to my patience and my sanity!

Sigh...I wanna go away...I need some time to be by myself and think things over and clear my head...

I think I'm gonna cry....

Dreams

2006-05-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

Everytime he would cross my mind, it feels like he's so far away from my heart. I tried so hard to forget him but there would always be something around me that would remind me of him. I tried to think that it's over, that I have to end this feeling I have in me for years. It's a struggle to get over a great feeling. We're so distant from each other and I don't know where it began. It was like yesterday when we were having fun together and that you can still feel his presence. That suddenly changed now. I have to draw the line between friendship and this feeling I have inside me. We're just friends but something in that thin line is all too familiar and peculiar. And then this happens. He has become distant. I know it could happen to any friend. But this one? It's all too confusing. It's making me numb about him.

I prayed for him last night before I went to sleep despite this growing distance that's making my heart numb. I couldn't even care less about the humid weather and the black out as I fell asleep to the tapping of rain on the roof and the dim lights of small candles around my room. Then, I dreamed about him. It's been a long time since I've had those dreams of him that almost felt so real. I saw him walk down the road. I was with some people sitting in the middle of the street. I turned my back so he woudln't see me. I wondered if he would look for me. When he passed, he took a step back and looked for me. He called my name. I turned and looked at a smiling face of a guy who made me feel different. That feeling shot through me again like I just came home. I went to him walking slowly then ran to meet him. We fell into an embrace that almost felt like I was really feeling him envelope me inside his arms. All the feelings that I have kept locked away, bursted like a flame. I was crying when he held me and lifted my face and asked me what has been happening to me. It's a long story, I told him. I didn't want to let go but I was awaken by the sound of my mom's t.v. upstairs. The electricity has come back. I hoped that the dream would continue when I went back to sleep, but it didn't. It's been a long time since I've had those dreams.

Torn between two events

2006-05-27T21:18:00.000-07:00

Angelo, me, and Zennia at BMW Club 1 Party at The Embassy, The Fort

I was so looking forward to watch The Da Vinci Code this Friday night because I get to watch it for FREE. It was a movie premiere that was sponsored by our valued client, Prestige BMW. Come Friday morning, I got to talk to my contact in BMW Philippines (BMW Phils. Head Office) who informed me that we are also invited to the Club 1 party that same night, which all along I thought that only the editors were invited that's why my boss confirmed us to the DVC Premiere of Prestige BMW. My contact from the head office expressed her hopes that we would go to the party even if we have to go after the movie premiere. I asked Zen how long the movie would take so I would know if the time would permit. She said it lasted almost 3 hours when she watched it. Damn... I went to my boss and informed her of the situation. She told me that she has to be at the movie premiere because it was the first event that she committed to and that her presence is expected by our other contact there. She saw the troubled confused expression on my face and she laughed at how torn I was with the situation. She told me to think about it and come back to her when I have made my decision. I went to the advertising "aquarium" and thought about it. I can't just leave Zen to go alone at the party because as senior AE I have to introduce her to our contacts in BMW Phils. and I have a pending transaction with BMW Phils. If I go after the movie, I am sure that I will feel too tired to go partying at Embassy. I guess I have no choice but to go to the Club 1 Party, I thought. I went to my boss and told her of my decision.

In fairness, I thought, at least I was able to party and go home early. The movie hasn't finished when Zen and I went home. I was exchanging text messages with my boss updating each other on what's been happening to the events that we went to. And, I was able to bring home this cool shot glass that was served with what they call, BMW Drink. It was made of plastic and has a tiny bulb at the bottom that lights up when two metal pins are touched by liquid. Cool, huh?!

Drowning

2006-05-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened lately that has made me feel really sad. I know that I have been laughing and have joked around with people around me. I thought that by doing that, it would make things seem lighter to bear in my chest. But, at the end of the day, it doesn't really change anything. I still feel down with the things that has been bugging my life lately. Friends and family would think that I have got it all going on smoothly. Deep inside, I'm already screaming for help for I am drowning in my own miseries. It's hard when all of your friends seem to be preoccupied with their own lives that you couldn't bother them with your own fears like you used to when you were all just regular teen agers growing up together sharing similar sentiments about life. Things are different now, I would constantly remind myself. People change as the world evolves. I should learn how to be my own bestfriend.

I have been so wanting to get as far away from it all for a long time now. I want some time alone to think things over and re-asses my life. I don't care anymore if I went alone. I just feel like being alone for a while...

A Stormy Weather for a Quick Getaway

2006-05-18T17:38:00.000-07:00

The storm has just entered the islands just when our choir has scheduled our much anticipated summer outing. As I woke up in to the strong winds outside my window and in my room that was dark and damp. The electricity hasn't come back since it went out early at dawn. I looked over to my cellphone that I left charging overnight. Two bars... Great! Now what am I gonna do when I get to Laguna? Charles called and asked if I was ready. I told him that I'll be riding with Mito and Ranier later at 10am. When we ended our conversation, I looked at my phone again. I just grumbled when I saw that that the battery was left with 1 bar. I just grumbled my curse and packed my things. I wasn't able to get my things together last night because I was too tired from work.

Ranier calls me around 9am feeling paranoid with the storm and worried parents. I told him we couldn't back down anymore with the weather because most of the choir left already. Rain or shine, we did go. Besides, this is the only time we could have some adventure. ;)

On the road, my Mom called me 5 times but I wasn't able to answer. I guess I was enjoying myself too much with all the running in the rain at the Petron gas station during stop over and being awed by the storm outside the car window and ranting and raving about our day inside the car. When I saw my phone, my battery is almost empty. I decided to call her up and assure her that we'll be fine---I hope. When I called, it was my younger brother who answered. My mom was driving them back home from the mall. He asked me where I was going and I told him. He said, "Sino kasama mo? (Who's with you?) Si ****** noh?! (It's ****** isn't it?!)" "Of course not!" I exclaimed. And the teasing went on and on... A few minutes later, we got a text message from one of the people who went ahead that there was no electricity in the rest house. Perfect! Just Perfect! By the time we arrive there, all our phones would be dead. Most of us weren't able to fully charge our phones the previous night because of the black out.

It was quite a journey on the way to the rest house in Cavinti, Laguna (...did I get that right...?) We came upon a narrow path that lead us to a small house. It didn't look like a house that would have a pool. Again, we ran to get our bags at the back of Mito's car and to the house. We walked around the side of the house. It lead us to a wide balcony over looking a vast bed of trees and the Laguna lake. It was awesome... I asked where the pool was and Gino pointed down from the railing, to this...

"Not bad..." I thought. I breathed in the fresh Laguna air and welcomed the chilly weather. I guess it wouldn't be that bad if we were caught up in a storm while we take a swim. Despite the cold weather, we got into our swim clothes and plunged into the icy water. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We had no idea what time it was because most of us don't have watches since we depended on our cellphones to tell the time. All our cellphones were useless during that time. We climbed the long flight of stairs back to the rest house as soon as we got tired of swimming.

Gino, Charles, Ai, and Archie hit the grills as soon as we had settled in the house. The ones who didn't want to add to the crowd of the cooking experts, entertained ourselves by lighting candles around the house and sharing iPods with each other - singing at the top of our lungs with different songs.

Everyone enjoyed dinner. It was fantastic! After that, we all went out to the balcony to have our usual bonding session - where, in the end, I got drunk... hehe...

Destiny's Reality

2006-04-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

The mere idea of destiny when you are young would seem so simple and possible, or may be, even magical. An interesting wonder. A simple scenario such as a young girl meeting a boy on a summer day and forging a memorable bond of friendship that grows through the years. One of them hoping that someday they will end up together, forever. In reality, no matter how much this dream would seem so beautiful to look forward to, different circumstances through the space in between time could and would taint this dream. Or, it could even prove what the dream is worth depending on how time would mold us into the person we would become in the future. It could even predict the real future awaiting both of you. Making the dream destiny Questions such as, is he/she what he/she used to be the person I met years ago; does he/she feel the same way about me; am I alone in this feeling; if he/she does feel the same way, would our friendship be the same as it used to be?

I learned in time that you cannot be certain about the future. No matter how magical or serendipitous the turn of events might be. You have to get used to the painful truth that in the reality that you should be living in, you should accept what the outcome would be in the future. You may or may not end up with the boy/girl you've fallen in love with years ago. As what has been laid out in front of you as time goes by, it is uncertain. Things may not what they seem. Thus, you struggle to forget that one person that made your heart beat in an unforgettable way.

Feeling Old at 24

2006-04-11T04:46:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling mixed emotions lately about my life in general. At 24, I feel so old and tired. With the kind of working environment I'm in and the kind of life I have at home. I wish things were more simple. I wish I had all the money in the world to pay off debts and give a more comfortable life for my family. I wish I had a different life where loving is more important because it's the one thing that will help you survive in the world.

How I wish some older people would realize how life is so different now compared to the life they had when they were just starting to work. I feel so alone in this misery I'm suffering. I'm still blessed because God is still watching over me through great friends surrounding me.

Just Depressed

2006-04-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

With the realities unfolding before my eyes, I feel the more lost in my life. I just don't know how I'll pick up the pieces and how to put them back together. I'm so confused with what's been going on with everything. The things that I found as reason to continue on living, has just given me the painful death. I feel so numb inside.

Summer Begins

2006-03-25T23:46:00.000-08:00

The heat of the summer sun has started to burn the streets of Manila. Things at work hasn't slowed down yet and problems at home is worsening each day. I wish I could just take a trip somewhere where it's far away from the city. A trip to the beach sounds like a heavenly escape...

The Pain of the Void

2006-03-11T04:39:00.000-08:00

The days drag on and I feel like the burdens I carry are getting heavier each day. It's like each day is a step closer to my death. I feel like something's missing in me. I can feel the void within my heart all the more each time I remember and everytime I try to take away my love for him. With all the stress that I'm facing everyday, I wish I could escape to a far away place and clear my mind from all this chaos. A trip to Boracay or a journey alone in Cebu sounds tempting. Maybe if I disappeared for a while maybe I'll be able to erase all the feelings that I had for him. Then when we get to see each other again, then I'll be free of hiding something from him. I'll just be a friend that has no romantic expectations. Purely platonic.

Tragedies and distresses has passed by me lately and many times it could have been my last breath. I am still in wonder what my real purpose is in my life. When I realized that the one thing that kept me believing that my life has to go on because of its purpose was lost to the blackness of all its mystery, I felt that I have approached a dead end. All that was left were those moments wherein I almost thought that he felt the same way too. I was wrong. So wrong...

Sigh...I don't know what to do anymore... I just wish I knew what is on his mind. I keep separating my feelings with being a friend. Sometimes, I don't know where to draw the line in our friendship. It's all confusing...

I wish it was easy to stay away from him but he's one of the best friends I have ever had...

Anyway, this is one song that describes how my emotions are flowing right now...

"Beautiful"
India Arie

The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow
Yeah I wanna go to place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna got to a place time as no consequence oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand that it's not that I don't care
But right know these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Numb

2006-03-02T04:47:00.000-08:00

He reached for my hand and held it as he drove us to work. I couldn't feel anything...I wanted to cry... It's been a long time since we last saw each other. The electricity that I used to feel everytime he would hold my hand had died down. I couldn't feel even his presence. He seems like he's in a distant planet. I don't know what's going on in his mind. Was I just being dense? Was it the early morning? Or did I just die that moment? He seemed a bit different now. I couldn't feel him in my heart even through the touch of his hand. I kissed him goodbye eventhough he didn't greet me with a kiss when he picked me up at my house like he used to do. I appreciated him for a being a really great friend for going out of his way to bring me to work early in the morning.

That was a month ago... Nowadays, we haven't been talking that much. I guess because we were both busy. As usual, I went home alone and bought flowers for my mom last Valentines Day. I tried not to think about it and contain my heart with this kind of situation. I told myself not to expect anything special that day just to make the pain easier to bear inside my heart. But, as the day passed, it already said a lot of things about what he really feels. Silence means there's nothing about me inside his heart. I felt like a fool not realizing it after being in love with him for so many years. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't tell him or it would've made things complicated and awkward in our friendship. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way. Maybe I have mis-interpreted his actions. I don't know... I wish he never did anything to make me fall in love with him.

I've always dreamed that he would see me differently but he only saw me as a friend. I guess this is the last time I'll ever say, "I'm moving on without him..."

And before I end this long saga about our friendship and all the mystery behind it, I leave it all with the song that I've been wanting to sing to him if fate decides that we would be together:

Make Me Whole (Amel Larrieux)

Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night,
so I could get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missing
Cause a person like you,
made it easy to do
I've waited for so long,
to sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers
They told you about me,
said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
To giving thanks to you
Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

Clouded Mind and Soul

2006-02-20T04:04:00.000-08:00

Life has been tough lately. One main reason why I haven't been able to update my blog. Too many things happening that I couldn't find the heart to really focus on how to organize my thoughts in writing my blog entries.

It's been really stressfull the past few days. It makes me sad about so many things that has been happening in my life and to my surroundings. There are so many things going on inside my head that makes me wanna go to a place where I could be by myself for a while. Away from all the chaos...

Flight

2006-02-17T02:10:00.000-08:00

Pardon my heart's distance and my soul's absence...
My spirit is on a drift to the lonely skies...
Wandering endlessly like a lost child...
Wondering where I have lost love...

The Law of Density

2006-02-02T16:15:00.000-08:00

He's not really in love with me...I was...I think I have just hit the wall...

My aunt asked me about him one day. What he's like,

It's time for me to wake up to the bitter reality that all we have is this platonic friendship. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just friends. I made a bet with myself this morning that if nothing happens when we see each other, then I would have to open my heart to someone else. The love grew in me but it never did with him. It was a dense atmosphere while we were in his car. I couldn't feel anything anymore even when he held my hand. Was it waking up too early in the morning that is making me feel this way? Or was I dense too, I don't know... That was the first time I wanted to get out of his car sooner....

What Would've Been...?

2006-01-14T05:38:00.000-08:00

My friend, Veron, and I were talking one morning on our way to work. She asked a question that any young fresh graduate would rarely ask at an early life-time in the corporate world. She asked about what might have been if our lives were different. Would we have still met and became friends? After that conversation, I sat back and looked out my window thoughtfully. The passing cars didn't seem to be there for I was lost in my own thoughts. Wondered a lot of times before whenever I have these moments of looking at my life in the bigger picture, reflecting on it like I was studying someone else's life instead of mine. Questions like, "What my life would have been if my father hadn't died?", "What life would've been if Cynthia hadn't gotten sick of leukemia?", and especially, "What my life would've been if I had left home early from the park almost 10 years ago...would I still have met him?"

If I hadn't, I think I would've been jaded about romance by now. I wouldn't have believed in fate nor destiny. I would've felt dead with my father all these years. But, we would've seen each other in the different places we bumped into, only we would have just passed by each other like strangers. When I think about it, it makes me feel happy just to have him in my life. Even if we're just good as best friends. He made me realize that life goes on and I will be just fine. Ever since that day we met, I knew that this is one boy that would leave a special mark in my life. And it will remain in my memory forever.

They say that friendship is like wine. It gets better in time. I've had friendships that stayed and some that drifted away. There are only a few friends who would go out of their way to keep in touch. I'm glad I have friends like that. And there is at least one who has touched your life and changed it forever.

They say that a friendship can grow like a tree. If the seed was properly nurtured, the roots are deep and it bears sweet fruits. And if it was taken well cared of, the emotions grow beautifully. Like how the branches would stretch out gracefully high up to the heavens. The winds may blow and sway the tree but it will still stand firmly to the ground. The seasons may change but the leaves and fruits will grow back to its full abundance.

...just like how my friendship with him has been through the years...

Friday the 13th!

2006-01-12T20:45:00.000-08:00

Today is Friday the thirteenth. For us employees, it's also a pay day. And the worst thing that could ever happen is being unable to withdraw money from the ATM machine just when you are in dire need of lunch money!

Baaah-humbug!

2006-01-10T03:46:00.000-08:00

I was supposed to write something about how my week went but my mood suddenly changed when a client sent me a message that just gave me a new head ache. I lost interest in writing down my wish list to my ninang. I couldn't think of anything else to write down but an iPod. Couldn't think yet of another alternative. I lost my concentration! Argh!!!! Kakainis! And what's worse, I'm already at home relaxing! Now, I'm all stressed and troubled about tomorrow... sniff... I need a hug...

Countdown...

2005-12-30T02:36:00.000-08:00

Two days to go 'til New Year's...

What's the Real Deal???

2005-12-29T07:18:00.000-08:00

We're approaching another new year...and still, he hasn't said anything... I mean, what's the deal? Is he just being overly friendly? Am I reading the signs wrong? He confuses me with everything he has done for me. If they didn't mean anything special, then, why bother going the extra mile for me? I wish he would say something...

Maybe I shouldn't expect...or, maybe, I should just stop thinking about it and just assume that all of it didn't mean anything... If he's not saying anything, then maybe it only means that he doesn't have special feelings or that he doesn't feel strongly about me. The feelings aren't so deep. Anyway, he won't always be there for me if I needed him. He's not like the other guys who go gaga over girls and would be there in a jiffy with one phone call. So, to save myself from getting disappointed in an upcoming rejection, maybe I should just, leave things be... We're just friends... that's just why he's just so nice to me... right?

*Sigh*

Interesting December

2005-12-21T04:01:00.000-08:00

This December is certainly a month full of surprises and interesting moments. I am still trying to absorb everything with the tons of work that I have to finish in the office. I was suffering from writer's block awhile ago when I was exerting all the effort to produce a really nice business proposal. I think it's the holidays that's made my head over worked.

I'm still not done with Christmas shopping. Tried so many times to concentrate on it but I just realized that doing it after work is a bad idea. The malls are swamped with late Christmas shoppers and since I get cranky after a day's work, I just get irritated with the idea of fighting my way through the crowd and standing in loooooong lines to the cashier. I just end up going home empty handed.

I was able to shop last Sunday, but one day wasn't enough. I wasn't able to shop the day before because we finished making tons of orders of my special choco mallows. We were able to finish 70 batches in one day! That makes 700 pieces of choco mallows. :)

Finally, I was able to perm my hair! It was one of the daring things that I've done in my life! I like how it turned out and people are still not used to it, hehehe... My friends say I look like Ruthie of Seventh Heaven. :p Can't post a picture yet because there's something wrong with my phone. ;(

Went to the much awaited Mitsubishi event last Monday. I sang one song with the band again. Didn't win anything big this year though. But, I was still happy to have sang for them. I do it for the love of Mitsubishi! hehehe! It's also a flattering moment because one of the singers approached me and asked me if I was a pro and if I had a manager. I told her that I sing with a rock band and we don't have a manager yet. She told me that I should try singing with an accoustic band that plays more mellow music. I sang Constantly by Vanessa Williams that night, by the way. She also told me that she wished we could've met sooner because Passage was looking for a replacement for a female vocalist. I was surprised with her remark because Passage is a known band already and it's a really big step if I will audition. She got my number so she could refer me to a manager. Nana was encouraging me to go ahead and give my number. All I can say is, "Woah!" That was a really flattering offer! :)

Fallen..

2005-12-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

It's been quite a while since I've written down something here. I have been busy with work and many things have happened the past few days. Besides what I've been writing here in my blogspot, there's only one thing that I haven't mentioned here. I may have mentioned it subtly but I never mentioned it outright. I think it's because I'm not yet ready to reveal it to him either. It's too personally precious and special, and at the same time, complicated. All I can say is that I've fallen...

Have you ever fallen in love with someone or a good friend you've known for a long time? And, sometimes, you can't seem to figure out what he really feels about you with his peculiar actions? Most of the time, I wished that he would just tell me what he wants to say so I wouldn't feel so confused. I wouldn't want to put him on the spot because I wouldn't want to pressure him on anything. I want to know if these feelings I've had in my heart all these years didn't wait in vain. Sigh.. oh, well...

December

2005-12-01T02:51:00.000-08:00

It's the first day of December!!! 24 days to go and it's Christmas day once again :) I wonder what's gonna happen this Christmas Eve? I just hope we'll have a peaceful meal. I wouldn't want daggers to fly across the table again. The months fly by so fast like it was only yesterday when we began 2005. The start was pretty tough and a lot has happened throughout the year.

It's the first day of the Yuletide month and I'm still here at the office at past 6pm. I just finished polishing proposals and sending them to clients. Now, I'm just killing time while I wait for Nana to come back to the office because I have to accompany her to meet with someone. It has something to do with her cousin's wedding where she, out of her craziness, volunteered to plan it. Good luck to her!

Things haven't slowed down at work...wait a minute, it never did! Schedules will get more busy next week for we will be going to tons of meetings and clients' media Christmas parties. Like what my friend, Ed, told me when we were talking about my job, it's a glamorous life. Actually, it's not. All the glamour ends in being invited to a certain event because it's like going to a party. But once you get into the business, it's no longer fun. It becomes a job because you have to deal with the hosts who are the clients. You have to conduct yourself in a proffesional manner which means that you can't just relax and feel as if you're in a gimmick. For me, a party is when you just have fun and enjoy the company of friends. In events, there's no dancing! What's a party without dancing?

Sigh, oh, well...I guess I better get going. If I wanna be home early, I should get this dinner with Nana over and done with. I just hope he's not a D.O.M.!

Burn Out!!!!

2005-11-23T12:34:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling extremely tired of work these days. I'm starting to regret my decision of going to work last Friday when I badly needed a rest. I'm afraid I might get easily burned out by the tons of work that we have to finish by the end of November. I want to go to a province and stay there for awhile. Just to unwind and take lots of rest. I have to reserve all the "drive" that is left in my bones before they completely disappear.

I found myself in one of my bratty moods lately. I don't like it when there are people who would make your day worse than it already is. I got really upset over how this optical shop where I had the lenses of my eyeglasses replaced for a higher grade. When they delivered it back to the office, the frames were deformed! They made a mistake with how they cut the lenses. When I complained about it they insisted that the shape of the frames were really like that. They must be shallow to think that I'm dumb not to know how my glasses exactly looked like. As if! The frames didn't come from them. I bought that two years ago and have been using it eversince. Now they tell me it doesn't look what it seems... They had the old lenses, why didn't they copy that cut in the first place?! Then, they made another excuse that the reason why the shape was like that was because my lenses got a higher grade. REGARDLESS OF HOW THICK OR HIGH MY GRADES ARE, IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!!!!! The problem was the cut that caused the deformation of the frames! And they didn't even do a clean job! It looked like they just placed Mighty Bond to stick the lenses in. The worst thing that they told me is that they can't do anything about it because it's "out of their hands". I thought to myself, "This is WAR!" With an icy tone in my vioce, I told them that I am not gonna pay them P 3,000 for a lousy service and damaging my eyeglasses. After telling them that, they repaired it.

*Sigh* I still have tons to do at work that I don't know where to start. There are still things to be ironed out, so I guess I really can't take a leave....aaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

I Will Always Love You...

2005-11-20T18:34:00.000-08:00

The weather suddenly changed last night. The winds have become chilly which means that the Christmas season has officially started. It completes the whole mood of this season. It also means that another year is ending. I'm praying that this year, my Christmas and New Year will be a happy one. Last year wasn't really something that would fit into the family album. But, someone did change that and made Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve very memorable to me. Who was he? I'd rather keep it a secret...

My friend, Nana, noticed that I've been quiet these days. It brought me to a realization that I've been lost in my thoughts again. It's just that there are so many things going on and I try my best to sort things in my life inside my head. It's just overwhelming! Sometimes I wish I could get away from work for a while so I could relax and rewind.

My former officemates found my estranged ex-boyfriend at the new building they transferred office to. They quickly reported their ghostly encounter through sending me a message in Yahoo! Messenger. I was out of the office that time so I wasn't able to read their messages anymore. One of them repeated the message when I was already at home. Cherrie told me that it looks like he's working at a call center. While she was telling me the details, I was reminded of the slight sting of the past. Now, I have to deal with the possibility that I might bump into him when I deliver magazines to that office building. The others told me the same news again the next day. A part of me didn't want to see him, but another part of me wants to face him so that he can see that I have finally moved on. They told me that I shouldn't be scared to face him because I have changed for the better and he should be the one to feel ashamed of showing his face to me.

I've thought of it for a while along with the other things I have to settle at work. Then I remembered someone close to my heart and how great he has been treating me all these years that we've been close friends. He was someone who got away in the past just before I met my ex. Now, I have already learned from my mistakes and I have finally moved on. I asked God for a sign that afternoon. If I see my ex, it means that I still have an unfinished business with him, and if I see my guy friend, it only means that I should have more faith in him. At the end of the day, I spent a great time with my guy friend. It really is FATE... :)

The only way I could describe what I'm feeling about him is with this song from 311 titled Love Song in the 50 First Dates Soundtrack:

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again
However far awayI will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

2005-11-15T21:01:00.000-08:00

Went to a photo shoot at Sta.Elena again. This time we were taking photos of two Porche GTRS's and the Mercedez-Benz SLK and the M-Class. It was boring at first cause Zennia and I weren't really doing anything except lounge around while the men drove around to take some moving shots.

At the end of the day, we were able to drive the M-Class. :) To Zennia and I, it was a phenomenal event. We were the first AEs in the entire country to drive it! HAHA! It was the only unit that was shipped here in the country that's why

At first, I was intimidated to drive it because it's an SUV. You know, I'm small...and it's a BIG car for me... But, Benjie of CATS Motors gave me more confidence when he told me that the seats can also be adjusted. Fine by me! Let's give it a spin then! Though I feel like it's still a big car for me, I didn't have a hard time maneuvering the wheels. You get less intimidated as soon as you begin to move a few meters on the road. :) It's a great SUV for long drives because the trunk is enough to fill a whole family's luggage and there is even a compartment at the side for a first-aid kit. Underneath the trunk is another compartment for the spare tire. Cool, huh?

Anyways, I have to end this for now. Just had to share this great experience! I'm off to sleep!

2005-11-14T20:49:00.000-08:00

Today, I went to the event of Mercedez-Benz at the NBC Tent at the Fort. It was the unveiling of the new S-Class, M-Class, and the B-Class. Among the cars that were launched, I was able to drive the B-Class. :) Cool car! I love the way it responded to my driving. The driving wheel was easy to handle so it wasn't hard to make turns. The driving seat was also a treat for it could be adjusted according to your level of eye sight beyond the dash board. A convenient feature for vertically-challenged girls like me. ;) The best part is, it's a very comfortable ride.

Uh-oh....Am I beginning to sound like an automotive critic?

Too bad Zennia and I didn't have enough time to drive the S-Class. :( The M-Class weren't for test driving because there was only one unit that was shipped and that was the one on the display at the event.

One of the best part of the event? Mercedez-Benz gave out one of the coolest give-aways ever! They gave out MP3 Players!!!!

Lost and Confused

2005-11-11T21:20:00.000-08:00

"You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better....One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic."

I had another one of those life talks with a close friend of mine a few nights ago. We talked about marriage. He asked me if I was in a hurry to get married. I told him I'm not. He asked me why and I told him that I want to make sure that I marry the right guy. I don't want to get married just because my biological clock is ticking. I don't want to get married to just any guy because it means that I'll be getting into marriage for the wrong reasons and with the wrong guy. And, besides, I'm not financially stable yet. In this time and age, I have to establish myself first so that when I bring another life in this world, that little life will be secured of a good home.

My older brother ("Kuya") has been bugging me about a close guy friend of mine whom he thinks I have something going on with. He keeps on assuming that I'm in a relationship with him but the truth is, we're more like bestfriends now. He's been observing us and he said that my friend is just waiting for the right time to confess his feelings for me. He keeps on telling me to warm up to him because I seem stiff and too guarded. I keep on avoiding his prying remarks because the more that I'm reminded of it the more I get confused with my feelings. I didn't want to say it out loud or assume anything because, even I don't know when the right time is to let him know how I feel for him. There are times when we're cold and there are times when we're so eager to spend time together. I had a feeling that we're both stressed out at work that's why we don't talk and see each other too much sometimes. I'm not even sure if he feels the same way. My brother said that he understands that I went through a tough time with my first boyfriend but he thinks that my guy friend is the right one for me. I told him that what's keeping me guarded is that I know that my guy friend is still dreaming of another girl that he wants to end up with in the future. The truth is, the day he said that, it really broke my heart into small pieces and I had to hide the hurt in my eyes as best as I could to the point of fighting the sting of a tear. All I could say is that, "You know what, I felt the same way for a guy once. But, now, I'm not so sure..."

I started to feel lost and confused that time. I started dating someone who had a resemblance of his face, but later on, things didn't work out because his personality was a total opposite of my friend. I woke up and smelled the strong coffee. I never felt so low. I realized that I'm beginning to look pathetic in my love life. Thus, I made up my mind to continue with my life and developed a stronger guard against jerks. I was on a man hunt for someone who would treat me right. But, of all the guys I've met and I've come to know, he's the only one who treated me in a special way. It felt different to be treated like a princess by him. I felt so safe and cared for...even loved.

I didn't want to assume that the good things he does is something that has a special meaning. I didn't want to get hurt again in the end. I may be wrong again with how I read his words and actions. I only think of it as what he usually does as a friend because maybe he's like that to the other gal pals that he has on his Friendster list. I might just be "one of the girls". Sometimes, he would do things that just drives me crazy wanting to scream at him these words, "Will you just tell me what you feel about me?!" If I appeared stiff or cold, it's because I, too, am not sure about what he feels sometimes. He gives mixed signals that makes me insecure of what he really feels.

But, if my intuition's right about him, then, maybe, just maybe, things will fall into place someday...

And It All Comes Down to This....

2005-11-08T20:41:00.000-08:00

It all comes down to this. I don't know who the author of this summary of what it is like to be in a Quarter-life Crisis. But who ever you are, hats down to you. This was e-mailed to me by a friend a couple of years ago when I just started with my first job at a small advertising company. I kept this e-mail for a long time and I always go back to it to keep me sane whenever I'm about to go crazy with confusing realities in life.

I just want to share this to all of my friends who are in their twenties and thirties, and, also, to the many people who may be reading my blog right now. I know that you somehow can relate to what is written here. We're all going through a phase and I know that many of us ask many questions about so many things in our lives that sometimes it just drives us nuts. We are all in a journey of our own and being in a Quarter-life Crisis is one of our greatest times in our life to learn more about ourselves. I'll probably be quoting some of the passages here to my future blog entries for it tells so much about my journey in life right now.

Being Twenty-Something to Thirty-Something(This puts it all into words perfectly.)

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatestpeople you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they arerealizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere,but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, ofsocializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doingand find yourself judging a bit more than usualbecause suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things toyour list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenlychange is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyonedecent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to lookcheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make adecision. You worry about loans and money and thefuture and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'djust like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Bratty

2005-10-30T01:42:00.000-08:00

I feel bratty today. I don't why. I'm having these mixture of feelings inside my chest and I don't know what the root cause of all these is. I feel irritated, cold, sad, unappreciated, taken for granted, confused, and tired. Maybe it's because of the many things that happened over the past few weeks. There were changes and biting realities that are trying to change my life. Argh... I don't know what to think right now. I think I need a break and just be by myself for a while to sort things out inside my head.

An Afternoon With My Pamunchkins!!!

2005-10-23T05:06:00.000-07:00

My nephews from Australia came home for a visit a couple of weeks ago with their parents, cousin Marisse and Lino. This is the only chance I got to see them and bond with them. Wish they could stay longer!

Carlos' bungisngis smile! Manang-mana kay Ninang Mavs! hehehehe!

My godson's now a little man :)

Carlos, Mario, and Ninang Mavs

The Shallow Match Maker

2005-10-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

So, I have let go - again - of the only one person that really mean something to me in terms of a rare and special connection. Moving on, I'm on a look out again for possible prospects. Some people know this and what I really don't like is when someone tries to insist someone on me. I appreciate the help of looking for other guys for me, but, puhleeeeeazzzz, don't insist someone who I wouldn't and will never date! And especially when that person would keep the poor guy's heart in false hopes. And, puhleeazzz!!!! Don't blame me if your match making didn't work out. Because, in the first place, I didn't do anything and we didn't interact in anyway.

I don't like it when people would insist a guy on me and say that this guy has a car, or belongs to a rich family, or even say that we would look good together because we're both chubby. What the hell?! What's up with that?! First of all, so what if a guy has a car or has everything that his wealth can buy? Sorry, but that is not what I'm looking for in a guy. That doesn't measure up to how great a guy he is. And, so what if we're both of the same physique? Honey, can you be more shallow? Do you think that only fat people are attracted to each other? Think again, my friend. Think again. I had my first boyfriend when I was still over weight. I was around 135lbs. and he was around 110lbs. and he was attracted to how I am. Now that I am 20lbs. lighter, I still haven't had a steady boyfriend after my last relationship. My point is, you cannot base attraction by physical similarities. It has to be more than that.

Losing Connection

2005-10-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

I have buried myself with work just to divert my thoughts and emotions. I laughed, stressed myself over work, and kept myself busy at home by doing chores. It did help, but I thought these distractions would make me numb for a long time. As the week end came, I began to feel the pain setting in. Damn, I'm missing him. I am beginning to feel like I'm losing this special connection I always knew. I keep on asking the same questions and finding possible reasons why we have come again to a gray area where I'm confused about . There's only one answer to it and I just didn't want to face it. He's just not into me.

Maybe, we're just meant to be friends after all.

I am once again trapped in my own secret. I guess I should just keep it and put it back to where I stored it away. Maybe things would different in another lifetime.

It's going to be a challenge to open myself up to other possibilities. I tried eyeing other guys for boyfriend material. And you know what, I still couldn't find anyone who could make me feel that same spark I felt when I first met him. I don't want to date just any other guy because I've learned my lesson from the past. I let go of him and dated guys that came my way because they said the things I longed to hear from him. Both guys ended up just trampling on my foolish heart.

But, we'll see... I know it's still too early to say that I'm never going to find Mr. Right...

Sunset at Sta. Elena

2005-10-13T21:33:00.000-07:00

The following photos were beautifully taken by our multi-talented editor, James Deakin. These were taken during our photoshoot at Sta. Elena during sunset. The sunset was facing us giving the pictures a dramatic effect illuminating our faces despite the rainy weather.

Solo Pic

Photo taken by James Deakin

Kookie's Angels

Photo taken by James Deakin

My Experience Riding the Mercedes Benz E240

2005-10-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

My officemate and I picked up a Mercedez-Benz E240 at a car dealer today. We borrowed it for a photoshoot for one of our magazines. He got so excited when he was assigned to drive it and keep it overnight. The original plan was that he was supposed to get the Chrysler Town & Country, a van that is fit to be "a soccer mom's car". Since our editor decided to drive the Chrysler for the mean time, he got so excited that he gets to be the first to drive it. As we were on our way back to the office, we were enjoying the car. We were singing and swaying to the tune of "Everafter". I was kinda amused at my officemate because he never sang and moved his hand in the air whenever he plays that song in the car. "Everafter" happens to be his favorite song lately. Being the easy-going gal I was, I let him be and joined his singing and moves. It was a terrific ride because it was smooth and quiet. The only noise you could hear was the song and our singing. You can't even feel the engine's buzz whenever we would stop. It even has a moon roof that you could open and air conditioning that you can control on either side of the driver's and passenger's seat.

We waved happily to our other officemates who were on the other car which was a white Honda CR-V. We had wide smiles on our faces as he drove on EDSA. As we turned right to Ayala Ave., a MAPSA enforcer waved at us to pull over. Our smiles suddenly dropped to a panicked-stricken expression. "Mavs, di ba '0' ang ending number ng plate nito?" he asked worriedly. I quickly fumbled through the folder that the dealer gave to me and checked the plate number that was registered on the E240. To my dismay, I read that the plate number ended in "2". S*#T! The car was coded! After all the reasoning we made and phone calls to the dealer, the freakin' MAPSA officer still confiscated my officemate's license. As we made our way to the office, we were dead silent. No "Everafter", no singing, no waving of hands in the air, and NO SMILING...

Grumpy strikes back!!!

On the other hand...

2005-10-03T22:20:00.000-07:00

Hey,Carlo. You better tell me in detail what happened. I think we should have one of those long talks again, hehehe.

In my previous entry, I was talking about why guys don't call after a date. Now, what if the story is the other way around? If a guy keeps on calling or texting a girl who never replies, it means only one thing: dude, she's just not into you. But, what if the girl sometimes replies, you ask. I ask you in return, if you're not into the girl who's been bugging you after a date, don't you feel pressured to tell her what she wants to hear? "oh, hi. yeah, i've been busy e....yeah, we should go out again sometime...i'll call you..." Yeah, right! As if you will, right? You wouldn't want to tell her flat out that you're just not into her. You wouldn't want her to go around yacking to her girlfriends about how you were brutally honest to her (plus, add, and multiply to the real story) because it might ruin your rep to other chicks. You know how the grapevine works.

We girls are also sensitive enough not to reject you directly. This is how we somehow deal with nice guys who we date but just didn't feel any connection with. It's hard for us to tell you in your face that it's not gonna work out. It can either be that we don't feel that connection or that we can't feel a spark going on with you. Remember, women have a strong sense of intuition. It's supernatural sensor we have in the center of our being that men can't understand and we, women can't explain.

What if you say, "But, she replies naman to my text messages. We even share a few laughs together and she's nice to me naman. Sometimes, she doesn't reply or it takes a looooong time before she replies to some of my texts. I even go out of my way for her on some things but she politely refuses. What's the deal?" Dude, it can mean a two things: she only sees you as a friend or she's just not into you. We wouldn't want you to waste your time on us on getting yourself into the trouble of being superman for the day because if your hoping that one day you will get that sweet "yes" or "oo", it's not gonna happen. It's better if you spend your time and effort to someone who deserves your kindness. There are special cases when we only see the guy as a friend. We know our friends very well, especially when we have guy friends that we hang out with. We know if a guy does something that is not already usual for a friend to do. Don't push it too much. You might be pushing us away as well.

For example, I met a guy whom I met through a friend several months ago. We started to get to know each other and became friends instantly. He's a very nice guy with a big heart. He started to text me everyday and to the point where he would ask me if I ate already or if I'm already home. He panicked one time when I couldn't be reached through my cellphone and it was already late at night. He said that he got really worried. I was like, "Relax, dude. I was just in the studio jamming with the band. There was no signal in there." I was thinking, my guy friends was never that concerned about me. A few months later, he asked me if he can court me. It was hard but, I turned him down. I couldn't lie to him and to myself. I didn't feel anything extraordinary. I only saw him as a friend. I'm just not into him in the love department but I really valued him as a friend. And, as a friend would be honest to another friend, I didn't like to mislead him nor lie.

So, Carlo, my buddy ol' pal, I have yet to hear your story. Every one has a different story. I know what you're gonna say, "Read my blog." Dude, your blogs are soooooooo looooooooooooong. I'd rather hear it from you nalang para short cut, hehehe. :) Thanks for posting a comment! ;)

He's Just Not Into You

2005-09-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

I was able to read a part of the book, "He's Just Not Into You". Zennia let me read it while I hung out at our C! Magazine booth. It was an interesting read and I found the writing funny too. I couldn't put it down even when we were walking to Kenny Rogers for dinner. It was just hilariously sarcastic! hehehe... Anyways... As I said, the book is interesting. It's about how women shouldn't settle for Mr. Maybe. I could relate because I've been caught up in the dating game before and I learned a lot from that. It even got me jaded about dating. Now that I'm past that and learned from it, I am now opening myself to dating again. But, this time, I'm more cautious. I don't expect anything after a date or even when guys would show interest (in other words, 'pa-cute'). It's easier to detect guys who are just in it for a short time. How? Simple. Inconsistency and no follow ups. Whenever I encounter a guy who is like this, I keep telling myself to bravely go on with my life. I enjoy dating more like this. No more, "Why isn't he calling?" or "Oh, he's busy that's why he can't see me..." I appreciate the guys who don't say that they would call or say that we should go out again sometime if they know themselves very well that they won't. At least they were honest...in a way. They did me a favor by not making me feel confused. If a guy does say those things, I would just take everything in a stride. I would say, "Sure...yeah, right..." I can't help but feel like Ally McBeal in her many crazy encounters with the men in her life. I learned that if I dwell too much on deciphering the actions of a guy on a date or how he is around me, I'll just get more confused and it's just too stressful. I know that I deserve more than being treated as a 'mean-time girl'. So, girlfriends, if a guy doesn't and can't go the extra mile to be with you, he's just not into you.

Lost In a Tunnel

2005-09-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted an entry here. A lot has happened for the past few weeks. My younger brother has been hospitalized because of a twisted intestine (to put it simply). It was an after effect of his apendectomy some 9 years ago. I know...I know... It took some time before it took some side effect to occur. I postponed my gym sessions for two weeks because I had to give my body some rest and a time to adjust from stressful nights at the hospital. From the night we rushed my brother to the hospital and during my stay at the hospital watching over my brother, I felt like I was also sick. I felt like I was gonna have a nervous breakdown. I remember the nausea and the mixed emotions I was having inside my chest. Fear, worry, and confusion. Not only does the crappy hospital food make you sick, it's the environment of the hospital. Thank God for Tita Sally, our neighbor. Just when I was about to cry over a tasteless "lugaw" she sent her driver to bring me a freshly home-baked lasagna at the hospital. :) Woohoo! REAL FOOD!!!

I felt so alone during the nightly watch. The nurses weren't so accommodating and they're so slow in response. Only a few nurses were really professional enough to do their duties properly. On the fourth day, I felt like I was gonna go insane. Everytime my brother would feel some pains and discomfort, I get nervous and worried. Especially when I can see that he is losing a lot of weight. By the end of the day, he quieted down a little and tried to sleep. But, of course, eventhough he was asleep, I couldn't take my eyes off him to watch his breathing. I prayed silently for company. We only told few of his friends that he was hospitalized. Most of the people who visited were common friends and my friends (Nana and Veron). As if God answered my prayers, two of my friends (Ed and Spammy) contacted me to see how I was and how my brother's operation went.

During the company outing, I just skipped the drinking session that night and just stayed at our room to sleep. I didn't care anymore if I missed out on the booze. All I can say about the outing was that the trip was like being in a horror movie. It was raining cats, dogs, elephants, and dinosaurs. I wished I had stuck to my guns early that morning to stay behind so I could watch over my brother at the hospital and just let all hell lose with what happens with the accounting of the company outing budget (I know...you're probably scratching your heads right now...it's a long strory..). The rain was pouring non-stop by the time we drove to the pitch dark road leading to Caylabne. All that the lights could shine on was the tall weeds on either side of the road. We forgot that behind those weeds was already road to watery hell (BANGIN NA SIYA, MEHN!). I was praying that this is not yet my end! (Lord, gusto ko po pa magka-asawa!) It's a good thing that our conyo boys at C! Magazine knows how to drive well. ;) We were able to arrive safely to Caylabne and had a safe drive home.

With all that has happened, you can see how God can be with you in the simplest ways. I am thankful for everyone who gave comfort, held out a hand to help (even in the smallest ways), and those who were just simply there as a friend. They were officemates, neighbors, family, and friends. They were little miracles sent to us. :) Thanks,guys! :) Lorenzo wouldn't be recovering right now if it weren't for your prayers and kindness! :D

ER

2005-08-31T13:00:00.000-07:00

I went alone at the gym last Tuesday night. I decided to just do cardio work out and skip the muscle toning. I didn't have enough sleep the night before and I don't know why. My day didn't start out well as I expected but I still went on with my life that day smiling to the morning sun though I was carrying my gym bag and some other stuff for my office mate who just recently moved out of her sister's house.

I walked alone on the wet sidewalks of Makati City. The puddles reflecting the lights from the light poles and buildings. It was a few minutes before 10pm and there were only a few people walking around and only a few cars were running by. I kinda felt lonely and I know there's something else in my intuition that's telling me that something's wrong. Ed tried calling me on my cellphone while I was on my way to the underpass but I just missed his call when I was about to answer it. I texted him and asked why he called. He said that he just wanted to say 'hi'. I sighed in relief. But, that weird feeling was still there. I prayed silently that it won't be anything too serious.

Around 11pm, my mom knocked on my door. She asked me to come to my younger brother's room. I went to his room and saw him moaning and twisting in pain due to stomach pains. My mom wanted my opinion if we should bring him to the hospital. I looked at him closely and saw that his eyes were already fading and he's pale. He's trying to say that he wants to be brought to the ER because he can't handle the pain anymore. I remember what he told me earlier that he fainted when they brought him to the clinic that morning. I suddenly found the connection to what I was feeling while I was on my way home. I told my mom that we should bring him to the hospital already.

At the ER, we were waiting for the results from his x-ray. I couldn't handle the environment at the ER that I had to sit outside to get some fresh air. There was a mixture of worry, fear, and nausea. I think I'm about to go insane due to the depression I'm feeling. I texted Nana and told her where I was and what I was feeling. She called me up to calm me down. After a few minutes, I gathered up some strength to go back inside the ER and see how my brother is doing. I went to his bed and saw him feeling weak from the pain. He asked me if there was a result already. I told him that we're still waiting for it.

After a few minutes, there was a commotion outside. There was a man who was asking for help because there had been a car accident that happened across the street. At first, the medics didn't want to deal with it because they said that they have to have a police report first before they could admit the victim at the ER. I thought it was a stupid and heartless excuse. The reason why they have a job is that they're supposed to save lives! Why wait for a police report? They know very well that we have a slow security in this country! It took them a while for them to finally admit the poor blood soaked man in the ER. What's worse was that they placed him beside my brother's bed! Eventhough they shut the curtains between my brother's bed and his, we can still hear his painful sobs. My brother got more depressed and begged me to move him out of the ER. I, Ms. Nausea, forced myself to be strong for my brother eventhough I was already weak in the knees and wanted to faint. When brother calmed down a little and I went to where my mother is and took a seat. Later on, another group came in. Three dark men came in soaked in blood. Behind them, I saw the nurses push an emergency bed in and on it was another man who was bathed in blood. They said that he was hit on the head with a beer bottle. A woman was crying and one of the men was crying too. I couldn't look at the sorry sight for I might just puke. The new patient was placed on the other side of my brother's bed. I went over to my brother to see if he was ok. There was a nurse that was inserting a tube in his nostril and he was choking. I felt my stomach turn and a pain in my chest as I watched my brother choke over a tube. I had a vision of my dad for a moment there. I wanted to cry.

Finally, they moved him to a room. My mom asked me if I wanted to go home so I could get some sleep before I go to work. I told her that I'll just stay behind and help her watch over my brother. I just hope that his condition isn't anything serious...

TOYO GURL

2005-08-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

This morning, I planned on wearing my beige draw string pants and a white top since I was in the mood for lighter colors. I walked confidently to the waiting shed at McDonald's to take my ride to work. "It really feels nice to be wearing light shades...", I thought to myself. I looked at the moving line and thought that today is a good day. The line doesn't seem that long and shuttle services are constantly coming in. I wouldn't have to wait that long in line. Plus, I'll get to work just in time.

I was next in line to board the newly arrived van. I thought, "Great! I get to ride shot gun!" A few seconds later, I heard the lady behind me squealed, "AY!" I felt something wet behind my legs... When I looked behind me, there's a kid with his caretaker looking at us with a stunned expression. There's a large bottle of PEPSI that spilled. The lady behind me had her jeans messed up with little splats. Then I looked at my pants...in horror... I looked stonily at the kid and his careless caretaker and they only had this "OOPS..." written all over their faces. My beige draw string pants is no longer beige! It's now brown! It spilled all over the back portion of my pants. And what makes matters worse, it wasn't PEPSI that spilled! It was SOY SAUCE!!! FREEEEEAK!!!

I quickly went to the conductor and told him that I'll be back and in fairness, he let me keep my stub so he could board me first when I come back. I didn't have time to argue anymore with the caretaker of the kid. I didn't want to ruin my day further. I called my mom instead and asked for Inday to send me clothes at McDonald's. I said, "Uh...Ma? Could you send Inday here at McDo? I had a little accident with my pants..." I stood outside McDonald's smelling like sushi which was really embarrassing! I texted Nana saying, "BUWISEEEET!!!!! S**T!!! JUST WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO BOARD THE SHUTTLE, SOMEBODY ACCIDENTALLY SPILLED TOYO (soy sauce) ON MY BEIGE PANTS!!!!! I'M GONNA BE FREAKIN' LATE!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I Love You

2005-08-13T06:03:00.000-07:00

I Love You
Sarah McLachlan

i have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road...

we meet at the lights
i stare for a while
the world around us disappears...

just you and me
on this island of hope
a breath between us could be miles...

let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

oh and every time i'm close to you
there's too much i can't say
and you just walk away...

and i forgot
to tell you
i love you...
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you

i grieve in my condition
for i cannot find the strength to say i need you so

oh and every time i'm close to you
there's too much i can't say
and you just walk away...

and i forgot
to tell you
i love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you...

Angel

2005-08-13T05:46:00.000-07:00

When all things seem to be falling down like a house of cards... I would sing this song anytime...

Angel
Sarah McLachlan

spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be emptyand weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness
oh this glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Feeling Lousy

2005-08-11T02:36:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this while I'm freezing inside our little aquarium called the Advertising Department. It's only a few minutes before the clock strikes six. I'm feeling lousy, ugly, and fat. I just ate five cinnamon sticks with matching rich and thick chocolate syrup. And to think that I ignored Nana's whining hunger awhile ago. I tried hard to read what was on my agenda list and all I hear is Nana wailing with her puppy dog eyes saying, "Be-eel!!! I'm hungry!!! Let's eat down stairs!" I was still pretending not to hear her for I've been eating too much. I'm only supposed to eat three times a day. Not ten times! I keep on repeating to myself, "I am not gonna stress eat...I'm not gonna stress eat!!!" She looked over my shoulder to see what I was doing. I was writing notes, jotting down appointments, and going over my list of clients to call. I feel like my life is hanging on a string these days. I only closed one account for the magazine I'm promoting and I'm also feeling desperate. She asked me, "Bel! What are you doing?" I blurted out, "Organizing my life!"

I pondered over my interview a few days ago at one of the biggest advertising companies here in the Philippines. It was a good interview--actually, it went too well from what I had expected. That interview was supposed to be scheduled the week before but I couldn't make it since we had to deliver magazines to Laguna. I called up the HRD person to ask for a re-schedule of the interview because I couldn't do anything about my schedule that week. She told me over the phone about the conditions of going through the training and when it's gonna be. The training starts on Aug. 22. I counted the weeks before that day. She sensed the hesitation on my voice because she knows that it's too soon for me to jump into the opportunity. And, to think that they will only provide allowance for food and transportation. She said that the reason why she's telling me all this is that she wants to know how open I am to the offer. I had to be honest and told her that I am very open to the job offer it's just that I need a competitive salary because I am supporting my family. She said that she still wants to interview me but for exploration on what department she could place me in. I talked to my mom about it because I know that she might not approve of it and my immediate concern right now is to get a better paying job so I can help out more at home. She told me that it was for long term career anywway and told me to go with it. I got so confused because I've been sacrificing my ideal jobs to what ideal salary she wants me to get. I got upset and told her that I've been looking for jobs that would fit her standards because she would always put the pressure on me that I haven't been helping out enough at home. AAAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! From then on, I told myself that I will follow my own decisions when my instincts and intuition tell me that it is right.

So, I finally went to the interview. The HRD person was really nice to accommodate me even for another interview. After assessing me about the job I do and the history of my working experience, she told me that I was over qualified for the training. I was flattered and at the same time shocked at her comment. She told me that I don't need to go through the training because I already have the foundation and the potentials. If they were to hire me then they would have to place on the position of junior media planner right away. But the thing was they don't have an opening for a junior media planner yet. The opening was only for trainees. Oh, well, I thought. I think it's just not the right time to leave my present job. But I'm still keeping my options open.

Ally McBeal

2005-08-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon a post on Friendster that hits home...

SOMETHING GOOD FROM ALLY MCBEAL T.V. SERIES: Falling In Love Message:
If you see me walking the road with someone else
Its not because i like his company
Its because you're not brave enough to walk beside me.
If you hear me talking about him all the time
Its not because he pleases me
Its because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat
If you feel me falling with someone new
Its not because i love him
Its because your not there to catch me when i fall
If you feel lost, I too am nowhere
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we gonna cross each other's path
Or just completely turn around?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound
Don't let me walk with him
It's you I wanna walk with
Don't let me fall for him
It's you I want to fall in love with.

When you thought I wasn't brave enough to walk beside you
I was behind you every step of the way
Still filled with awe because of the beauty that stands before me
When you thought I was too deaf to hear your heartbeat
I didn't want to assume anything
And I was afraid to lose our relationship
When you thought i wasn't there to catch you
It's because you never gave me the chance
You never reached the bottom, you've already grabbed a branch
If you feel like you are nowhere, I too am lost
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we just going to turn around,
Or are we gonna cross each other's path?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound?
Don't let me walk alone
I want to walk by your side
Don't let me talk of something else
It's you I want to talk with
Don't let me fall with someone else
Its you I want to fall in love with.

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving,
no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that,
or even believe it, but trust me, THERE ARE SOME LOVE THAT DON'T GO AWAY.
And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody
who has a little of that INSANITY. Somebody who never let go.
SOMEBODY WHO CHERISHES YOU FOREVER."

Never Ending Love Story

2005-07-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

Eversince I was a little girl, I was amazed at how two people would fall in love. I was fascinated by love stories of how couples met and how their love grew. I prayed to God that I would meet the guy destined for me someday. I wanted my love story to be different and memorable. A story that I could tell my granchildren in the future to leave them a lesson about love. I asked Him to give me signs and whisper to me when I have met him. He whispered to me alright. He whispered too soon. I asked for my own love story and He gave me a bittersweet history to tell. A story of friendship, mysterious and unrequited love.

There was a time when I lost my faith and stopped believing in destiny. That was when I was infatuated by foolishness and flattery of deceiving men. I thought I have gotten over the love that I left behind in the past. Only to realize that even for the time in between, I never got over these feelings that I have kept hidden for years. Now that I know better of mischievous men and rekindling a friendship, I still keep myself from saying what I really feel. We're both free now. People would say, "This is the chance to tell him how you really feel. The coast is clear! What are you waiting for?!" I looked at him, wondering...searching in his actions and his words. I thought of our current situation. I say to myself, "It's too soon. Not everything has fallen into place yet."

I turned to God about this again and said, "I'm not asking for You to make him fall in love with me so we can become a couple. I know I have no control over his feelings for it depends upon Your will. All I ask is to make our friendship grow, strengthen our bond, and give us guidance along the way."

A Dream of a Sunset Orange Corvette

2005-07-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

So many things happened over the past week. There were things that I have discovered and brought me to some realizations. There were matters that confused me and I did a lot of thinking. I was left to my thoughts again. To those who know me too well, yes, napapatulala nanaman po ako. I find myself staring into space again. I analyzed everything carefully to try to understand the scenarios that are happening around me. I re-evaluated some things that happened. A friend's voice echoed at the back of my mind, "You think and worry too much...relax a bit..."

But, eventhough last week was full of events, the last two days were great. I think it's one of God's way of giving me a breather. Last Thursday, I went to Batangas Racing Circuit with my bosses for a small track day. My immediate boss and I were asked to come along to entertain our contact person from General Motors who brought the latest Corvette C6. Other amazing cars were also brought in by their owners; the Porsche 911 and the BMW M5 (the only one in the country). They were all great cars but only one has the strongest presence among the three, the sunset orange Corvette. The first time I saw that car last June 30 at the EVO Essentials Night, I was in awe. I thought, "How I wish I could a ride in that beautiful car!" A few weeks later, I found myself enjoying a speedy ride around the race track. Just the thrill of being in it as it speeds through gives me butterflies in my tummy. I had a big smile on my face as Sir Kookie dropped me off at the pit to pick up Ms. Mayette to give her a spin on the track. With all the amazement and excitement in that day, I felt exhausted. I came home late that night and only had a few hours of sleep. I had to get up early the next day because I have to attend an event early that morning.

Still a bit groggy from yesterday, I dragged myself out of the house to the waiting shed outside our village. I prayed silently that I could get a ride soon because I was a bit behind schedule. Just the thought of getting in line and waiting for the next shuttle to come along worries me. As if God answered my prayers, a white car stopped in front of me. As the window was winded down, a familiar face smiled up at me. It feels great to see an old friend. Ed, a dear friend of mine was really good enough to give me a lift all the way to the office eventhough his office is far away as Libis. (Thank you,lo!!!) It was also great because we haven't seen each other for a long time. Eversince we both started working, it's hard to find time to do our usual tennis or badminton games.

I went to the first event in Ortigas which was an inaugural of a building. It was a funny experience. Jose Mari and I don't even know who invited us and we didn't know anyone. We arrived just as the mass was about to end. We stood near the reception area because the lobby of the building was packed with people --- old people. After the blessing, the owners made their way outside the entrance. After a few minutes, they came back with pots and I didn't want to know what they're about to do. Next thing I know, they were throwing coins at us. Poor Jose Mari... Clueless of what was happening, looked at me with horror as he ducks everytime coins were being thrown at his direction like he was a school boy being bullied with stone throwing.

After that event, we went straight to another event at the NBC Tent at the Fort. By this time, we were already exhausted. I forced every ounce of energy I still have in me to chat with some people. By the time we sat down, I just fell silent. Didn't want to utter another word or else I'll faint. All I wanted that time was to have a nice break. I wasn't thinking about the stress I've been having, I was thinking how it would be nice to go out and just have fun. Nana kept asking me if I was ok, I think it was so obvious that I looked wasted. This is the first time that I felt exhausted going to events.

When we went back to the office, I tried my best to gather up energy to do some work. I successfully cleaned up my side of the office and did some calls. Afterwhich, I had to sit down and relax for a little while. There was an announcement that Monday's a non-working day because of GMA's scheduled State of the Nation Address. I sent an IM to some friends who were on-line on YM saying, "Yehey! Walang pasok sa Monday!" Which roughly translates to, "Yahoo! It's a non-working day on Monday!" Poor Ed replies to me and said he still has work on Monday. Since it's Friday and we both needed a break, we decided to go out that night to hang out and watch a movie. At last! A chance to go out to relax and enjoy Friday night! I happily escaped staying long at the last event that we went to.

After waiting for me to slowly finish eating dinner, we bought the movie tickets. I think it took me an hour to desperately finish my food. I was thinking that going to World Chicken was a bad idea. I should've suggested we eat at Kaya or Cucina. At least I can finish the amount of serving that they give. I barely finished the pasta on my plate! Since there were still a few minutes to kill, we went to Timezone. I was delighted at the sight of the arcade games because the last time I played there was back in college days. I no longer use my Timezone card (I think I lost it already). When we tried out Daytona, I felt like a beginner once again behind the wheel. I also felt old. It's been a long time since I last played arcade Daytona. When the race began, it reminded me about scenarios in the past at work. It brought me back to some things that has brought me to mind lately. Thus, I was distracted by my thoughts. I was falling behind the race. Ed looked over me and said, "You do know that you're falling behind, right?" I just mumbled, "Yeah.." Maybe he thought that I was doing it on purpose. No, lo' I was really losing embarrassingly. After that, I tried to shake off thoughts about work and just enjoyed the night. Besides, it's not often that Ed and I get to hang out together.

As we made our way home, I looked out to the road. I thought of how simple life was when we were just a couple of high school teenagers. We both had ideals of how life should be by the time we step into college and what we should be after college. We even made a promise to ourselves never drink alcohol, and never have the habit of smoking. Graduate. Get a good job. We never thought that life could get more and more complicated as the years go by. It was like yesterday when we were hanging out at the park with the rest of our tennis friends and laughing over games of UNO. We didn't mind the sweat and the heat of the sun. We were living for the moment.
As we moved on through our separate lives, we both went through rocky situations and encountered people with their own stories to tell. Stories that gave us insight of other realities in life that are painful and inspiring. I was beginning think if we were wrong about our ideals.

I broke one promise that we made. I became a social drinker. Except beer though. I didn't like the bitter taste. Come to think of it, I never got myself drunk. I didn't like how my friends looked like when they got wasted. I hated the feeling of getting dizzy. Getting motion sickness is the only dizzy spell I can handle. I wasn't a heavy drinker. I eventually cut down on social drinking because I went on a strict diet when I got overweight. So that makes a rare doze of booze in my bloodstream. Still, I broke the promise.

Summer days were carefree days at the park grounds. Now, we have to spend summer days in tall office buildings handling pressure and stress from work. We used to dress in casual summer clothes. Now, we're both wearing office attires. We used to talk about school and what our plans are after college. Now, we talk about our experiences in the dog-eat-dog world.

We kept talking and shared some laughs though we were both tired from work. This is one of the reasons why I feel lucky to keep ties with old friends. It's refreshing everytime you get to spend time with them. We went home pretty late already but we had a really great time. I was exhausted but happy that the day went well. : )

Evo photos!!!!

2005-07-17T05:50:00.000-07:00

At last!!! The photos taken at the Evo Essentials Event were finally delivered to our office!!! This photo of the advertising team really looked like we were having a photo op for a new tv series. Hmmmm.... I wonder what would be the best title for this picture if it were for a tv series..? And I'm not talking about a drama series...more of a comedy show...hehehehe!!!

Rally Friday

2005-07-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

Here's a jist of the events that happened today: I ran out of credits on my phone lines, there was a rally around the corner from our office building, I just closed a deal with one of my favorite clients to place ads on EVO for the rest of the year, only to find out as I came back to the office that there was an error made on his article page on the special supplement. What a day...

After talking to my boss about my good news and bad news, we were able to resolve a back up plan for the problem I have with my client. I went back to making calls to other clients. Unfortunately, it seems that almost everyone had gone home early because of the rally on Ayala Ave and Paseo de Roxas. Except for one of my clients whom I visited earlier. He told me that Former President Aquino has asked the President to step down from office. I was talking to Nana on the phone who was absent at the time. She asked me if we have any plans of leaving the office early. I told her that we can't go out yet because it's pretty messy outside. And I wouldn't wanna go ahead alone. Another client of mine was on-line. His office was on Ayala Ave and their building is near the rally site. He told me that he'll check from his window the situation of the streets. He came and said, "Magulo nga" It IS a riot. And I said, "Really?!" And then he added, "Nagkakagulo sila sa pila sa fishballs" It's a riot with the line for fishballs. ha.ha.ha.

I waited for my other officemates to finish with their stuff. I got to talk to my mom on the phone and she told me to come home already. I told her that I can't go without my officemates. While I was chatting with a friend on YM, I could hear a faint uprising of voices. I felt goosebumps on my skin because I can feel the height of unrest of the people rallying the streets.

I remembered a dream I had that morning. I was standing in the middle of the street with my younger brother. He appeared as when he was around 5 or 6 years old. On both sides of the distance, I can see groups of people shouting at each other. As they walked closer, the exchange of words became more and more aggressive. As they came in closer, I held my little brother tight. I can feel the anger and hate of both side of the groups. We braced ourselves as they began beating each other up. Fear came over me. Suddenly, the fear caused me to grow tired of the feeling. I screamed at the top of my lungs. All of a sudden, the people stopped and stared at each other. Their facial expression turned calm then smiled at each other as they made peace to one another. Weird, huh?

Finally, my officemates has finished doing their stuff and they were ready to go. Anna and Jocas went their separate way because they'll be getting a ride from a different place. Marie and I walked to the other side of Paseo De Roxas going to Makati Ave. to avoid the big rally that was going on on Ayala Ave. The sky was beginning to turn in a blue-violet hue giving the streets a gothic color. I feel like I was in my dream. As Marie and I walked, I looked back to where the rally was. You can either see a red banner or a white banner with red writings. Luckily, we were able to get a ride going to Landmark where we can take our separate rides going home.

It was a loong line to get a ride going to Paranaque. I ate a little snack while I was standing in line. You can hear the news being delivered on the tv screens that are propped up on the ceiling of the shuttle station. I just shook my head with the news I'm hearing. I never liked politics eventhough some members of my family have become a part of it. Thankfully, I never had that political streak in me.

Gray Skies

2005-07-05T17:20:00.000-07:00

Lemme describe the weather we're having today. I woke up this morning at the sound of the rain falling on the roof of my window. I can feel the coldness set in eventhough my junky electric fan's weak. I felt lazy to get up. I just wanted to stay home and sleep off the sickness I'm getting into. I'm starting to get cough and slight fever but I wouldn't be able to stay still at home anyway. I went to work.

The rain never stopped. It was wet everywhere and I know that I'll surely get sick after this but I'm still praying that I won't. As the shuttle van carefully glided it's way over the Skyway, I looked over the horizon and looked at the heavy gray clouds. That visual horizon always left a gloomy emotion inside my heart. "These are the times when you wish you had someone to hold you close to keep you warm..." as a friend had told me before when we were on the road on a dark rainy night. Other mushy thoughts and memories start to creep in my head and I just hushed it down because I'm still uncertain about everything in my love life. YADA-YADA-YADA....Yeah, I know I can be really cheesy!

Eeeww...my feet's wet! This is what I don't like with my ballet shoes! Eventhough it's closed the water could still get it! Sigh... oh, well... Can't do anything about that anymore...

Anyway, I'm writing this entry while taking advantage of the availability of a computer with YM. Overlooking this small nook I'm in is the window of the office. Everything's gray outside. The skies were dark, drops of rain sliding down the misty window. I had on my multi-colored sarong wrapped around my shoulder, I pulled it tightly to keep me warm. The colors defy the mood of the weather outside. There's a tie-die mix of vibrant red, forest green, orange, and deep blue. Eventhough these colors envelope me for warmth, the gray skies mirror what emotions that are lingering inside me.